Two Sense: Laws of Attraction
About a year ago my husband and I started a business that we run out of our apartment. We're sometimes together 24 hours a day and it’s killing our love life. It’s been a month since we’ve had sex. I see this as a problem and he thinks this is just a phase that will work itself out and that we shouldn’t worry about it. Help!
He Said: Voting to determine if there is a problem in a relationship is a case of minority rule: If one partner thinks there is a problem, they win. And one odd factor that complicates issues between spouses is that the closer you are, the more likely you will put other priorities first: careers, relatives, even friends. Sex is a great thermometer for gauging how well your marriage is going. Having sex infrequently is OK if when you do it's so hot that the glow burns halfway until the next time. But I’m guessing that’s not the case for you right now.
Even though you two may need to work together, you shouldn’t share the same space during business hours. At least one of you should work outside of the apartment. Research some affordable coworking spaces around town, join different ones, and make a regular times to be there. Working around other people will put some needed space between you and your spouse and might also build relationships with other entrepreneurs. And when the business day is over, meet somewhere, outside of the apartment if possible, and transition from work to personal life so when you both get home it’s just you, your spouse and your marriage.
She Said: I've spent some time studying the work of David Deida, whose big focus is polarity, i.e. the natural gravitational attraction between masculine and feminine energy. Deida's idea—and it's not new, as he bases it mostly on tantric philosophy—is that our romantic and sexual partnerships have suffered as men and women began working together, playing together, and basically spending too much time together. Our minds and bodies are creatures of habit, and when we spend too much time responding to each other as co-workers, co-parents or co-housekeepers, we drain the natural attractive energy between us. You're feeling the results of that now.
Working in separate spaces would be great. If you can't do that, at least work in separate rooms, and keep your daytime contact as minimal as possible: strange as it may sound, use email instead. In addition, you need to nurture your feminine energy and he needs to nurture his masculine. The best way to do this is to spend time with your girlfriends while he hangs out with the guys. Lastly, though you want to let your husband know your concerns about your sex life, try to limit the talking you do about it. Instead, focus on your energy—your posture, body language, eye contact, facial expressions. Talking about sex is sometimes like dancing about architecture. Sexual attraction is energy, not an intellectual pursuit. If you want more sex, then instead of saying, "Honey, we haven't had sex in a month," simply look at him like you want it, smile at him like you want it, walk like you want it. And see if that shifts anything.
Sounds scarier than talking about it, doesn't it? Yep, that's the point.