My boyfriend's favorite position is reverse cowgirl. Let me tell you something: Reverse cowgirl is not a woman-friendly position. It's boring, the angle is bad, and even when I touch myself, it's so upright and awkward that I don't get off. I know you're going to tell me to get off first in some other position--which I can and do--but nevertheless, my BF's adherence to always ending in reverse cowgirl and is starting to get on my nerves. I think he likes my ass better than he likes me, or any other part of me. (I do have a great ass, but my face and boobs aren't at all bad either.) Help before my resentment grows any further.

He Said: It is a mistake to see your BF’s favorite sexual position as a commentary on his affection or preference for erogenous zones. Most likely, it was a fantasy that long predated your relationship. While missionary position may well be the most intimate in terms of eye contact, there is nothing wrong with mixing it up a bit between intimacy and objectification, unless you feel he is incapable of the former. It seems unlikely you will talk him out of reverse cowgirl if he has not given up on his preference even in the face (so to speak) of your obvious lack of enthusiasm (hopefully, you stifle the yawn!). Since sex is really a negotiation, why don't you simply try to go at cowgirl with a bit more gusto: Have you tried positioning a mirror in front of you so you get a view as well? But also make sure he is aware that you have your own favorites as well. You don't say here what you do like, so it may well be that you are not telegraphing your own desires and fantasies as well as he is his. It's only fair, and if you end up getting to flip flop, you both may end up discovering new things and enjoying the experience all the more.

She Said: Since you’re already getting off in positions you like, I don’t think you need to do anything differently. Maybe you just need to start thinking about it differently. So let me first say: I hear you, sister. Not about reverse cowgirl specifically—though I agree it’s one of the least interesting or satisfying positions for a gal. What I hear is your underlying fear/complaint: My boyfriend likes my ass better than he likes me. He’d rather look at my ass than the front of me, where my face and eyes (and soul) reside. It might be true that your ass gets him off more than any other view. But it doesn’t necessarily mean he loves you any less. At the risk of generalizing, which we must do in order to make headway here, men really are built differently than us. For one, they rely on visual stimulation whereas we rely more on emotional cues. For another, they often attain emotional connection and warmth via sex and orgasm, whereas we attain sexual desire and especially orgasm via a strong emotional bond. But this doesn’t mean their experience is any less soulful or profound than ours. Can you possibly entertain the thought that your boyfriend finds your backside so sublime that it transports him into real, deep joy—the same kind of joy you experience during the more face-to-face positions? Your dilemma, like so many others, reminds me of a Leonard Cohen song. In “Closing Time” Cohen sings: “I loved you for your beauty / but that doesn't make a fool of me / you were in it for your beauty too / and I loved you for your body / there's a voice that sounds like God to me / declaring that your body's really you.”

No one could argue that Leonard Cohen is a superficial man, and my feeling is he’s speaking for a lot of guys with those lyrics. Try to keep them in mind next time your BF asks you to turn around. And make sure you’re getting all the face time and female-oriented positions and pleasure you need as well. When your own needs are met, resentment doesn’t creep in.

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