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World-Class Schlock Invades YBCA This Thursday with Masterworks by Andy Sidaris

Still from Hard Ticket to Hawaii

There are certain imperatives and obligations that come to the forefront when one becomes a journalist of any sort. Traditionally, they have to do with integrity, fairness, respecting the intelligence of the reader and other fairly unglamorous notions, but when one sets foot in San Francisco, they start–like most other things–to get a little weird. In our fine city, I can see no journalistic imperative higher than the obligation to encourage the leading arts and cultural institutions to program the silliest, most over-the-top, most fun events and programs–because if no one but you goes to see them, maybe they won't do it again, you know?

This weekend, YBCA curator Joel Shepard has gone all the way out on a limb and programmed some of the stupidest, silliest schlock to ever hit screens (on 35mm film no less!) with a series aptly titled "Bullets and Bikinis: Three by Andy Sidaris." Far from the well-trod embankments of the camp world we know so well in SF lies Mr. Sidaris, a former Wide World of Sports director who made a dramatic career switch in the late 70s to become one of the finest schlock directors to ever bless this world. His unbeatable formula of Club Med locales, playboy playmates and massive explosions is the kind of eye-popping late-night cable fodder that had 13-year-old boys straining through the static and reaching for the nearest VCR the second they saw the first flash of skin.

YBCA screens Savage Beach and Hard Ticket to Hawaii, two classics starring playmates-cum-DEA Agents "Donna" and "Taryn" transporting vaccines (natch) and blasting baddies on sandy beaches in two-pieces and daisy dukes, and Hard Ticket's sort-of sequel, the absurdly titled Picasso Trigger, this upcoming Thursday and Saturday nights. Hard Ticket alone boasts bloodthirsty toilet-dwelling pythons, frisbees covered in razor blades and a series of baffling back-and-forths between a skateboarder, a blowup doll and a bazooka. The sheer stupidity of some singular lines make it almost inconceivable that Sidaris' masterworks haven't yet been performed in drag: "If brains were birdshit, you'd have a clean cage!", "Man! Just when you thought it was safe to take a pee!" A lovely netizen has compiled the best 10 minutes below, hold on to your headbands:

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