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Crashing the <i>VF</i> Oscar Party With A Silicone Sex Doll


courtesy of Touchstone Pictures

Sent From: Murphy Hooker’s Wireless Handheld Device (11:28 p.m.) 2/24/2008

Greetings and salutations*
film snots from the glitzy innards of Morton’s Steakhouse in West Hollywood where (seeing as it’s Oscar Night and all), Poppa H is doing what he does best, crashing the Vanity Fair Oscar Party dressed like Eli Cash in The Royal Tennenbaums. Sporting tribal face paint, a $5,000 Stetson, and a vintage Jaguar convertible, the idea was to make a flashy entrance but like my acting career, it didn’t pan out. 

It wasn’t a total disaster. No celebutantes, paparazzos or purse dogs were injured in the one-car pileup, but the minimal body count doesn’t take away from the fact I missed the Academy Awards (again) and my stunt double is presently cooling his heels in the West Hollywood Police Station. Sure he ran over some shit but a terrorist act? Only in post-911 Hollywood film nerds.

Stuntmen Make Good Fall Guys

courtesy of MGM

As I told the officers, Academy Awards night has a way of bringing out troublemakers; my stuntman was simply one of them. No one squawked when Cher showed up to the 1986 Academy Awards with assless leather chaps and a gang of bi-polar Hell’s Angels. 157 felonies were committed that night, and no charges were filed. That’s proper. Now, it’s so PC, you ding up a few dozen Lamborghini Limos and, according to the Five-O and Pat O’Brien, you’re a terrorist …

I must have sustained a head injury because I’ll never forget the look on that two-bit stuntman’s face as they stuffed him into the back of that cruiser. Not because he’s my brother and bears a slight resemblance to me, but because, it was also the first time I laid eyes on a Scandinavian actress named “Bianca” who was coyly observing the chaos from afar. She said she’d been hanging around the Hustler Store on Sunset all day and was an actress on the guest list at Morton’s. Smitten wasn’t the proper word. 

Like an angel straight from heaven* Bianca appeared from the Hollywood ether and just like that we were in like Flynn; me and Glamour Puss escorted through the kitchen like a couple of Goodfellas. While being hustled in the door, the Maitre D’ said my newfound love is “Bianca” from the 2007 indie hit Lars and the Real Girl.  Never seen it but Holy Toledo, I’m dating a Hollywood starlet! I’m so scoring tonight.

Lars and the Real Girl

courtesy of MGM

Now available on DVD, you have to check out Lars and the Real Girl if you want to see one of the most beautiful actresses working in Hollywood today. The bus boys down at Morton’s are into her, and I even ran into a buddy of mine on the way in, Kenneth Turan, the Los Angeles Times film critic who had this to say about Bianca’s hit movie. 

“I swear MRF, it’s is the darndest thing. Starring Bianca and Ryan Gosling as the romantically challenged Lars, this is a film whose daring and delicate blend of apparent irreconcilables will sweep you off your feet if you're not careful. This Frank Capra-style fable is a throwback tribute to the joys of friendship and community, around a sex toy. Taking one of the most salacious items modern culture can provide as their centerpiece, they've created the sweetest, most innocent, most completely enjoyable film around.”

What’s that? Sex toy? Bianca?? And that’s when I punched Turan in the face and it started, laughter, lots of it, waves of it, bubbling up from every gaping cake hole in the kitchen. I was being mocked for sticking up for a sex doll. Naturally, I wilted like a concussed French soldier and collapsed on the kitchen floor. When I came to, a circle of finger pointing bus boys surrounded me, still clutching a sex doll. The same thing happened my sophomore year in college …

I Picked the Wrong Week to Stop Sniffing Glue

courtesy of FOX

In the end, the VF Oscar Party was a dud. I’ll admit I was the last to hear the VF Oscar party was cancelled due to the writer’s strike, but who in Hollywood could have known my date was 100% silicone? I mean have you seen the girls down here? I guess I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. * If they would just loosen the handcuffs, maybe I could crash Elton’s Oscar bash across the street at the Pacific Design Center? Oh I give up …

One final note, looks like I’m not the only “celebrity” who didn’t get the memo, it’s like a “Who’s Who” of pop culture Morondom lined up in handcuffs on the sidewalk outside Morton’s. Beside me, we have that crazy girl from Charmed, that dude from Survivor and Bud Bundy, Stephen Baldwin and Screech from Saved By The Bell. Can anyone here light a cigarette with their toes? Thanks Screech, you da man.  Till next week, this is MRF signing off, be bad and get into trouble baby …*

Happenings Round Town
•    There Will Be Blood (2007) Dir. PT Anderson – Bridge
•    The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (2007) Dir. Schnabel – Opera Plaza
•    Michael Clayton (2007) Dir. Gilroy – Opera Plaza
•    No Country For Old Men (2007) Dir. Coens - Lumiere

Volume 53 Footnotes
•    “Greetings and salutations.” – Heathers (1991): Christian Slater doing his best Nicholson impersonation to a monacle-lovin’ Winona Ryder. 
•    “I swear … most completely enjoyable film around.”Los Angeles Times (2007): Kenneth Turan’s October review for Lars and the Real Girl.
•    “Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.” Airplane (1980):  Wacked-out air traffic controller Lloyd Bridges loses his shit when the shit hits the fan.
•    “Let’s get into trouble baby.” – Tapeheads (1988): Soul Train host Don Cornelius (as Hollywood Producer Mo Fuzz) breaks it down to upstart filmmakers Tim Robbins and John Cusack.