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Foot Fisted at the Hollywood Roosevelt

Greetings and salutations* film nerds from the “Delirium Tremems Suite” at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel where legend has it, tinsel town rummies like F. Scott Fitzgerald, John “the Profile” Barrymore and Errol “N Like” Flynn once yakked their weight in cocktail onions after beer bonging many martinis through Kong’s top hat at the 1934 Academy Awards.

All those scoundrels (including Kong) died of liver failure and went to hell, but MRF’s gonna live forever! Right? Fock me. I gotta lie down ... What are you still in the hall, make a drink, please. Keeping with tradition, behold the debauched splendor of the present, the infamous DT Suite (i.e. thrashed pool cabana #217) still smoldering from the Cinco de Mayo fiesta Hooker’s Reel threw to celebrate the premier of my friends’ movie the Foot Fist Way

If you’re tragically unhip, the Roosevelt’s a classic “Old Hollywood” haunt by the Grauman’s Chinese and Kodak Theaters. The first home of the Academy Awards, the old bitch remains a notorious party playground for LA sinners and Sylvia Saints. Clarke Gable and Carole Lombard used to tryst here, demented sickos like Montgomery Clift and Marilyn Monroe used to live here, and if you believe the hotel staff, this place is totally haunted by a shit load of fun loving celebrity ghosts. I’m so home. No, I’m serious; I moved in …

Tequila is the Most Jealous of All Liquors

Being a new tenant, I admit last night’s party got a little out of control, I mean if sex, drugs, rock-and-roll, chips, dips, chains, whips is frowned upon, which it apparently is these days … I’m not talking candle wax on the nipples or witchcraft, or anything like that, no, no, no …*

Just a couple of hundred kids (and the ’80s rock band The Scorpions) running around in their underwear, acting like complete animals,* drinking tequila, the most jealous of all liquors* while beating the living shit out of a piñata whose visage once bore a resemblance to a square panted Sponge named Bob. Can you blame us? Don’t we all need an outlet?


-- Fred Simmons: King of the Demo

Will Ferrell is A Deadly Serious Killing System
As for why MRF’s in LA, my friends made this wizard indie comedy back in 2006 that’s getting a theater run thanks (in part) to a couple of A-list funny men (Will Ferrell and Adam McKay) who fell ape shit in love and decided to present FFW to the world. Both were on hand with a bunch of other drunk celebrities for the pre-party at the Velvet Margarita and screening at the Arclight. George Burns used to say once you become an A-lister you lose your soul to cigars or Lord Satan. After witnessing the godless non-smoker Will Ferrell threaten to murder anyone in the theater who said peep after the lights went down—with a trident he borrowed from a Navy Seal no less—I tend to agree. Will Ferrell is pure Republican evil …


-- Fred Simmons: King of the Demo
The Foot Fist Way

courtesy of Paramount Vantage

Once the curly-headed scary man shut his well-heeled yapper, I allowed the movie to warsh over me (like the Dude) and when it did, I got two words for you: Demo Team …* FFW is going to rock your nuts off starting June 6, deal with it San Francisco. This offensive ball of comic fury has cult hit written all over it and, if marketed properly by Paramount Vantage, could be this year’s Napoleon Dynamite, the first indie comedy hit to pop our summer cherries. Go ahead, hurt me King of the Demo … I’m into pain.


-- Fred Simmons: King of the Demo

Illegal contact sir, below the belt! If you love laughing at martial arts instructors who bully their most incompetent students with lines like, you’re weakness is disgusting to me … if you were in prison you’d be raped because you exude feminine qualities,* then The Foot Fist Way is for you. It’s all about loving a man named Fred (aka Danny McBride), a “fucking retarding” North Carolina martial arts instructor who drives a crappy Ferrari, dates a whoreface and lords over his dojo with an iron fist while completely sucking at everything he does. 

When the self proclaimed “King of the Demo” catches the dirty pirate hooker wife with his Chuck Norris-inspired hero (Ben Best as Chuck “the Truck” Wallace), Fred and his Demo Team go on a ass kicking journey of self-discovery to dominate his inner demons in a winner-take-all cage match for his soul.

Your Weakness is Disgusting to Me

courtesy of Paramount Vantage

Mired in an Iron Man slump where high cotton is Slim Pickens in the comedy world, take it from this cinephile with an itchy gag reflex, your funny bone won’t get it better all summer long you fucking retards. So go to the light my children, find The Foot Fist Way in a theater near you. The NY/LA rollout is underway and it starts here June 6. And if FFW gets a wide-release, look out,* the world could be looking at a big fat dynamite hit, rolling in a Magnum P.I. Ferrari, eating 2 for 1 crab legs at Captain O’Landers.

Poppa H’s crystal balls say you and the Demo King have a date on 6/6 …  What’s that? Well get un-tired or I know what I’m dealing with, you’re one of those soft people …* And scene. Stay tuned for Part II of Foot Fisted at the Roosevelt next week. Till then, stay cocky America, be bad and get into trouble baby …*

Hooker’s Picks to Click
•    The Foot Fist Way (2006) Dir. Hill – in S.F. June 6

Volume 64 Footnotes
•    “Greetings and salutations.” – Heathers (1991): Christian Slater doing his best Nicholson impersonation to a monacle-lovin’ Winona Ryder. 
•    “You know, sex, drugs, rock-and-roll, chips, dips, chains, whips … running around in their underwear, acting like complete animals.” – Weird Science (1985): 23-year-old sex pot Kelly LeBrock makes Gary and Wyatt’s day and then some
•    “Tequila is the most jealous of all liquors.” – Drillbit Taylor (2008): Danny McBride knows how to speak with confidence and carry a coffee cup.
•     “I’ve got two words for you – Demo Team.” – The Foot Fist Way (2006): Fred Simmons throws a punk a bone with extreme prejudice.
•    “You’re weakness is disgusting to me … if you were in prison you’d be raped because you exude feminine qualities.” – The Foot Fist Way (2006): King of the Demo humiliates another loyal gay student.
•    “I know what I’m dealing with, you’re one of those soft people …” – The Foot Fist Way (2006): Master Simmons browbeats an inferior sub-creature into mental submission
•    “Let’s get into trouble baby.” – Tapeheads (1988): Soul Train host Don Cornelius (as Hollywood Producer Mo Fuzz) breaks it down to upstart filmmakers Tim Robbins and John Cusack