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John C. Reilly Is a Ham without Equal

Walk Hard
courtesy of Columbia Pictures

Greetings and salutations
* film nerds …

It’s the week after Thanksgiving and would you believe* Poppa Bloatation Device is still wearing his Waffle House stretch pants? Oh despair, I’m pathetic ya’ll, I totally gained like 40 pounds in four days … I look like the mongoloid lovechild of Delta Burke and Roscoe Fatty Arbuckle. Someone call my sponsor from fat camp, 1989. I think her name was Gertie … or Trudy something.

So how did the Thin Man get to be Travolta fat?? According to the Starbucks nutrition chart, all the fried lattes I’ve been inhaling between meals are fat free, so it must’ve been the extra servings of Big Daddy’s fatty “Roast Without Equal,” I gobbled over the holidays. Best described as a caloric Chernobyl of a Thanksgiving treat, each bite of Big Daddy’s Roast Beast is the greasy equivalent of injecting 40 ccs of lard into your blood stream with a turkey baster.  Lucky for me, I was low on lard going in so I didn’t stroke out at the table. But now look at me, I’m orca fat …* Jesus H. Christ ...*

Walk Hard
courtesy of Columbia Pictures

Walk Hard: The Story of Dewey Cox

If you’re like Poppa Wide Load and 99% of the fat asses walking around the snack shack we call the United States of America, odds are you probably could use a little cheering up this holiday season, yes? So why not make a date to fill your entertainment hole with some laughs from one of my favorites mugs in the filmic universe, the loveable, the hilarious, the criminally underrated John C. Reilly.

Who is John C. Reilly? I’m not going to dignify that with a response. All you need to know is a night with JCR beats the shit out of gluing your junk butt to the couch and stuffing your face with See’s Candy in a flannel muumuu your mother bought you from Sears. Trust me on this one. Lose the muumuu and walk hard to see Walk Hard: The Story of Dewey Cox, a ridiculously awesome spoof of musical biopics like Walk the Line and Ray that will leave your funny bone in rehab and your jabber jaw begging for mercy. I said begging. 

Written and produced by Judd Apatow, the golden boy behind Knocked Up, Talladega Nights, Superbad, The 40 Year Old Virgin and Anchorman, Walk Hard pegs Reilly as the hard-living, hard-walking Johnny Cash-like cult figure (Dewey Cox) who rockabilly’d his way to Forrest Gump-like stardom, sending up everyone from Elvis, Orbison, Dylan and Bowie to Brian Wilson, Andy Gibb and Chris Isaak.

Though it’s a comedy, Walk Hard sure as shit ain’t no rock n' roll picnic. No, this Cox balled real hard so fasten your sideburns before jumping aboard the Dewey Death Coaster 'cause Momma may shudder at the depravity of Cox indulging in every vice imaginable; like banging 462 groupies, flipping hundreds of European sports cars, getting hooked on every drug imaginable and spawning 38 illegitimate kids.

Walk Hard
courtesy of Columbia Pictures

Oh those rock n’ rollers, when will they learn? Brined in enough liquor and pills to choke a donkey, Dewey’s career predictably spirals out of control as he stubbornly refuses to rock out with anything less than his cock out, even when partying with legends like Jack White as Elvis Presley, Paul Rudd as John Lennon, Jason Schwartzman as Ringo and Jack Black as Paul McCartney. I told you he was a rebel. Once you’ve Walked Hard in Cox’s boots, you’ll find bad boys like Ray Charles and Johnny Cash look less like hard-living rockers, and more like amateur bitch boys who couldn’t handle their shit. Cox is that cool …

As for the soundtrack: Box of Cox, JCR boasts, “I thought Dewey would make protest records in the Sixties, so I got an idea for a song about women's rights called “Ladies First,” which completely gets it wrong and is just about (men) wanting women to take off their bras …” Damn, I miss the Sixties … they were so right on (then), weren’t they? If you need any more reason to bust out your pompadour to see JCR in Walk Hard, remember, if you don’t (after Cox has walked this hard for you), you might want to watch your back cause he may try to murder you with a trident. * Until next week, keep your head on a swivel America and your double chins up. Be bad and get into trouble baby …* MRF

John C. Reilly Picks to Click
•    State of Grace (1990) - Dir. Joanou
•    Sydney (1996) – Dir. P.T. Anderson
•    Boogie Nights (1997) – Dir. P.T. Anderson
•    Casualties of War (1989) – Dir. De Palma

Volume 41 Footnotes
•    “Greetings and salutations.” – Heathers (1991): Christian Slater doing his best Nicholson impersonation to a monacle-lovin’ Winona Ryder
•    “Would you believe …” – Get Smart (1965): Maxwell Smart convinces no one while fucking up another case and the world laughs with him.
•    “He was Orca fat, I swear to God.” – The Usual Suspects (1995): Kaiser Soze pulls one over on a moronic G-man then poof, he’s gone.
•    “Jesus H. Christ …” – Murder by Death (1976): Miss Withers passes gas at Truman Capote’s dinner table then blames it on the blind butler.
•    “Brick murdered a guy with a trident.” – Anchorman (2003):  Mild mannered weathermen don’t get mad; they get even.
•    “Let’s get into trouble baby.” – Tapeheads (1988): Soul Train host Don Cornelius (as Hollywood Producer Mo Fuzz) to upstart filmmakers Tim Robins and John Cusack.