If the holiday season sends you straight to the bourbon, feel free to soothe yourself with the knowledge that at least you don’t work at the mall. Unless you do work at the mall. In which case, perhaps you can soothe yourself with the knowledge that you don’t have to work on Christmas eve. If you do work at the mall and those bastards scheduled you for Christmas eve - well, my friend, this show was practically written for you. Especially if you know which Santa has the best pot.

Continuing its grand tradition of wrong comedy, Pianofight presents A Merry Forking Christmas, a fully scripted play by Daniel Heath that pauses at crucial junctures so the audience can vote on what happens next. Does the put-upon attorney answer the phone when her douche bag fiance calls after dumping her in the middle of Christmas shopping? Or does she make out with the hot mall Santa? YOU DECIDE. Does the harried baker with illegal ingredients encourage an abusive, self-righteous shopper to eat three cookies? YOU DECIDE.

It’s a festive choose-your-own-adventure, featuring a merry flasher, an earnest yet possibly misguided security guard, and suburban fisticuffs over a meat panda, the season's hottest toy. You may even catch a glimpse of the real Santa. But forget about the meat panda - those damn things are impossible to find.
 
Through December 30. Off-Market Theaters, 965 Mission St. Tickets are $20 at (800) 838-3006 or pianofight.com.