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Hooman

Grindhouse

My Bad

Apologies to everyone for the blog back-up but my CEO and Supervising Blog Coordinator, the talented Ned "Le Freak" Clarke, had some mishaps and was not here for the past two weeks to aid me in my quest to bring you superior and informative blogage. He informed me that he contracted the "Noro Virus" from accidentally ingesting a chicken wing that he found underneath an old mattress in a Vietnamese massage parlor, causing him to be bedridden for 10 days. Wow.

Ass-Kiss Section

And now it's time for my weekly "suck-up" in which you, precious reader, get to see me kiss the butts of people whom I either owe favors to or want favors from:

First of all, a shout-out to Ned Clarke, the storytelling genius who hijacked my blog last week. I promised him that if he helped out with my blogs, I would help get him a job. Ever since my show got canceled, he has been unemployed and destitute. Look into your hearts people; help me find this man a job. Currently, he can be found living underneath the Sixth Street overpass in downtown SF. Just look for the burnt-out dumpster next to the leaky oil drums. Or call him on his cell phone at 415-302-7256. No project too big or too small.

Fashion Show and <i>Zodiac</i>

So I'm really looking forward to the IMG fashion show with Naomi Campbell on March 15 at Fort Mason. For the record, I have no idea what the hell "IMG" stands for, but more details can be found at fashionweeklive.com. Boom selecta!

And since I have nothing more interesting to say on the subject, I'm gonna let my main man, Ned Clarke, who you may remember from "Storytime with Ned" on the recently defunct "Hooman Show," take over and tell a good story about the time he tried to sneak into a fashion show at Fort Mason a couple years ago:

NoName Ain’t Got No Balls

I’m sorry to say it 'cause I love the guy, but pretty soon this will be literally true. If anyone read last week's blog, they would recall me mentioning NoName's vasectomy. Well, I wasn't joking. He goes under the knife in two short weeks. The one good thing about this is that the entire morning shows gets a week off beginning March 5. Thanks for taking one for the team, big guy.

Hoo’s New Hotspot

Tomorrow I’ll be heading to the grand opening of a new club called Vessel located downtown near Union Square. You may recognize the name from all the hype and you’d better believe that the Persian Prince wants to shake his ass on this trendy dance floor. I’m also giving this new hotspot the “Newsom Guarantee” meaning that if you go there enough times, eventually you’ll see Gavin Newsom in a darkened corner, making out with somebody’s wife!

Party at the Station

The Grammys—Star Studded

The only highlights of the Grammy Awards show were the soulful, passionate performances by Shakira, Christina Aguilera and Mary J. Blige. Everything else failed the patented “Hooman Consciousness Test,” meaning that I fell asleep while watching it. After the show, I made my way over to the Universal Records after-party at the Palms Hotel, where Universal Music’s new golden boy Matt White was waiting for me at the door. The star-studded guest list at this shindig included the likes of Al Gore, Bono, Macy Gray and Mary J. Blige. I was pretty much awake until I started up a conversation with Jessica from the Pussycat Dolls who began sucking the intelligence from my mind faster than a vacuum cleaner on crack!
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