Conquering Long Distance, Part 4


by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

Recently, I broke up with a guy that I’d been dating for three months, but I’ve known him for six years. I am deeply in love with him, and we only broke up because we had to move away from each other because of jobs. We now live over two hours away from each other. I still can’t seem to date anyone else and neither can he. He doesn’t say that he doesn’t love me, but he told me he won’t say it because last time he said it, he got hurt. We see each other every other weekend, which has been fine, but today he informed me that he’s moving even further away—four hours!—which will make it harder on us since we won’t be able to see each other as often. Should I wait it out and see if something happens because I do love him, or should I try really hard to find someone new?—BH

Jody    The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer

Lots to consider here, BH. What’s up with the double negatives? “He doesn’t say that he doesn’t love me.” A double negative equals a positive. Translation: “He loves me.” Maybe, but he seems stuck. This guys needs to get into some good therapy and see what’s holding him back from connecting. His flesh may be willing, but his words are weak. But he isn’t asking for advice from us, you are—though I do wonder how he feels about the move and how he sees it affecting your relationship. Clearly it’s made you upset and wanting more of him. Does he still want to “not not love you” from afar?

Growing up, my mom told me to take note when people say they will try to do something. In her experience, when people say they will try, they do not believe that they will actually succeed at their task. Think about it. “I will try to love you.” But “I’m not sure if I’m up to it” can certainly be heard echoing through the words. I don’t really feel that you’re interested in trying really hard to meet someone else. You want this guy. Why you want a guy who is clearly afraid to move forward and is living in his past deserves a whole separate column.

If you’re really interested in seeing where things are with Mr. Move-Away, pull back in your contact with him. See if he’ll come forward to meet you. If not, you have your answer and you must do better than try to move on. You need to get out and find someone with whom you can build a relationship and don’t have to spend $100 on gas to see. You need a guy who is traveling on the road towards connection, not away from it.

Check in next week for another Q&A series by The 4-Way.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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