By: The 4-Way Panel
I am a gay woman who often falls for straight women. I am not stupid enough to date them anymore, but I’m way more attracted to them. My friends and articles I have read have had all kinds of theories—that I am subconsciously afraid of intimacy, that I am suffering from internalized homophobia so unconsciously don’t like gay people, that I don’t want to be happy, and so on. The thing is, I have been out and proud for nearly twenty years now and I have worked through my “issues.” I don’t think I am doing anything subconsciously and feel very healthy and ready for love. I think it happens because I grew up in the South and was only around straight women my whole life. What do you guys think? Does my attraction to straight women have to be pathology? Also, how do I make it stop? CW—Richmond, VA
The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy
Straight women. Can’t live with ’em, can’t get ’em to become lesbians on your whim.
The simple facts are that there are a lot more straight women than gay women in the world, so it’s understandable that with more to choose from, you’re attracted to straight women more often.
As you know, where you grew up and still live is not a hotbed of gay culture. Richmond ain’t San Francisco or New York or even Virginia Beach—the largest city in Virginia. (Yeah, I looked that up.)
You can cut yourself some slack, though. Regardless of how “through your issues” you are, I think even the sanest of us are tempted by forbidden fruit, or at the very least, a challenge.
I don’t know how you can make yourself stop being attracted to something you find attractive. But for your own sanity and for the sake of your love life, you’ve got to accept that you’ll be attracted to straight women, but not be able to “get” them. Welcome to the lives of most of us who aren’t celebrities and/or incredibly wealthy.
In other words, focus on those lesbian women who are available, interested in you, and in your geographic area. This smaller dating pool may actually make it easier to find someone with whom you’re compatible.
I assume you’re capable of finding lesbians attractive, but maybe that’s difficult since they’re fewer and far between. If it’s any condolence, from what I’ve heard, it’s tough even in bigger cities.
So my advice is don’t follow the straight—narrow your sights on lesbian women who are attracted and interested in you. May you have lady luck.
Check back tomorrow for the gay woman’s perspective by Jody Fischer.
The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at firstname.lastname@example.org. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.
By: The 4-Way Panel