Dire Straights, Part 4


By: The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way
I am a gay woman who often falls for straight women. I am not stupid enough to date them anymore, but I’m way more attracted to them. My friends and articles I have read have had all kinds of theories—that I am subconsciously afraid of intimacy, that I am suffering from internalized homophobia so unconsciously don’t like gay people, that I don’t want to be happy, and so on. The thing is, I have been out and proud for nearly twenty years now and I have worked through my “issues.” I don’t think I am doing anything subconsciously and feel very healthy and ready for love. I think it happens because I grew up in the South and was only around straight women my whole life. What do you guys think? Does my attraction to straight women have to be pathology? Also, how do I make it stop? CW—Richmond, VA

  The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer

Let’s unravel some preconceptions about what it means to fall for a straight woman before we address your query. When you say you fall for straight women, I wonder what exactly it is you are falling for. Is it a look? Is it a personality trait? What does it mean to appear straight? And what specifically are you drawn to? Make a list of the qualities of the women you fall for—personality traits and appearance. I have to tell you that I’ve certainly met many queer women who seem straight; I can’t tell by looking at these women or by talking to them that they bat for my team. On the other hand, there are also gay women out there who fit a stereotypical lesbian personality and appearance. It’s just easier to spot the obvious ones, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other kinds of lesbians out there.

We’re attracted to what we’re attracted to, my friend. And it seems like you know what you like and you’ve worked with your issues. Good for you. There’s nothing you have to stop. In fact, it’s time to go out and find that lesbian who has been mistaken for a straight woman her whole life and is just waiting to be swept off her feet by a proud and out gay woman. Be proud of who you are AND what you like. When you can be at peace with your choices, you will find her.

Check in next week for another Q&A series with The 4-Way.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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