by The 4-Way Panel
I recently started dating someone. Things seemed to be going very well. We went out eight times in the course of three weeks. We went to dinner, told stories, and spent a day and evening at the beach. On the seventh date, we slept together. My parents were coming to town and I mentioned to him that I was having some people over for a casual brunch. I invited him and he accepted. Date number eight happened the night before my parents showed up. Then I didn’t hear from my guy. And then it happened. I got an email that said, “I needed some time to think. I know you’re busy but we should probably talk. Please call me or let me know when to call you.” I phoned him immediately and that’s when the disappearing act began. He called me back two days later, then sent an email saying that he didn’t mean to bail completely and that he wasn’t happy with his own behaviour. One more voice mail from him and then … silence.
What’s with the disappearing act? I understand things were moving pretty quickly, but was I on an island by myself with this? And finally, how do guys so easily duck out and not feel bad about it? I’m sure it happens in both the gay and straight world, so I’d love to hear everyone’s responses.—EMS
The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy
There’s a thing guys do where they make the silent deal: I’m going to date her until I sleep with her and then I’m going to move on to my next one. This is the stuff of the Caveman/Hunter/Player, and thousands of years of evolution haven’t changed us much.
On the rare occasion when a guy wants a deeper relationship, he’ll refine and redefine these cretinesque ways. But more often than not, ladies, get ready for some lonely campfires. And there’s nothing you can really do about it. We was the way we was, and we is the way we is.
In some ways, a woman would be better served to sleep with a man sooner than later, because if that’s all he’s interested in, then he bolts and you can find someone who’s interested in you beyond the sheets.
Or you can make him wait as long as possible before you sleep with him in the hopes he’s invested enough time in you to want to see you more, but that still probably won’t work. His silent deal’s a deal and he’ll be all too happy to recover his losses—and time—and happy to have finally reached his goal of sleeping with you so he can get back out there for his next bedding.
You waited ’til the seventh date to sleep with him, which is a bit longer than the somewhat standard third date for physical activity. In your case, things were not moving too quickly for him; they weren’t moving quickly enough.
I can see you and your girlfriends discussing, overanalyzing and belaboring your situation too much, scrutinizing your every move. Maybe you shouldn’t have invited him when your parents were in town? Maybe you shouldn’t have slept with him? Maybe he just needs space? RRRRRRNNNTTTT! (That’s the sound of a buzzer. Maybe I can utilize this function in an upcoming podcast.)
I can’t see anything that you did wrong here. Caveman want go ... so let him crawl under the rock he came from.
Check in tomorrow for the gay woman's perspective by Jody Fischer.
The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at email@example.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.
by The 4-Way Panel
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