Don't Look Now


by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I’m online dating and I’ve met the standard amount of freaks, guys looking to cheat on their wives, and jerks who just want to get laid. I’ve met some nice guys too. But I’ve noticed that after a few dates with someone nice who shows some promise, he gets back online—even though we’re still going out and things seem to be going well. (I only know he’s online because I go on to look at his pics again and read his profile—dorky to admit, but true.) I’m not looking for commitment after the third or fourth date; I guess I just hoped that after a few quality dates, guys might be interested in focusing on one person and less likely to still troll for women. It really kills the momentum in my opinion. I feel deflated when I go on to look at my crush and see, “Online now!” Any thoughts?—SB

Jody    The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox
Well, that sums up online dating nicely. I think many of us have tried it, wondered what the hell we were thinking, tried it again, wondered what the hell we were thinking again, and occasionally met Mr. or Miss. Right (or at least Mr. or Miss Right Now).

To your point about thinking it’s dorky to go back online to look at a person, I say hogwash! Part of the beauty of online dating is that you get to take a gander at what they look like before you go out with them. Why do you have to stop looking at them after you actually do go out with them?

Next, I don’t think it’s odd that a guy or a gal goes back online after a few dates simply out of curiosity if nothing else. Remember, if you’ve only been on a few dates with a guy, he could still be dating other people before settling down on the right one. After that happens, you can worry if you see him logged in. For now, perhaps he’s logged in for the exact same reason as you, did you think about that? Maybe he’s showing you off to a friend or something. Either way, I say don’t get all worked into lather about it. If he’s meant to be the right person, it will evolve over time in that direction. Just relax and enjoy dating for what it is—an experiment in learning about yourself and others.

Check in tomorrow to read the straight woman's perspective by Rebecca Brown.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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