Don't Look Now, Part 3


by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I’m online dating and I’ve met the standard amount of freaks, guys looking to cheat on their wives, and jerks who just want to get laid. I’ve met some nice guys too. But I’ve noticed that after a few dates with someone nice who shows some promise, he gets back online—even though we’re still going out and things seem to be going well. (I only know he’s online because I go on to look at his pics again and read his profile—dorky to admit, but true.) I’m not looking for commitment after the third or fourth date; I guess I just hoped that after a few quality dates, guys might be interested in focusing on one person and less likely to still troll for women. It really kills the momentum in my opinion. I feel deflated when I go on to look at my crush and see, “Online now!” Any thoughts?—SB

Jody    The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer

Oh, what a complicated Web we weave. Two issues seem to be at play here. One is, why are these guys still checking out women while they’re getting to know you? I believe that you’ll find part of your answer when you can answer issue number two: why are you online looking to see if your new date is looking?

I believe in the power of the mind and in the idea of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you expect a guy to be looking at other women while he’s dating you, odds are that’s the kind of guy you’ll attract.

What if you didn’t go online to check up on the next three guys you have dates with? What if you assumed that they may not be out searching for the next woman? What if you consciously thought about attracting guys who do not engage in this behavior?

My guess is that once you discover they’re still searching, there’s not a fourth date because you’re done. SB, no promises have been exchanged; they can look. And so can you. I understand that it makes you feel bad when you see that they’re online. The message you seem to be taking away is that they’re not sold on you. But try this message on for size, SB: they’re not sold on you yet. And for that to happen, there has to be a fourth date, and maybe a fifth date. Are you ready for that? Seems like you’re looking for problems where there may not be any. Expect the best and you may find it.

Check in tomorrow to read the straight man's perspective by Chris Kennedy.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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