Skip to Navigation Skip to Content

The Ultimate Tools for Sneaking Booze into the Game

The big games in the waning days of football season are coming up, college basketball is revving up, and baseball is just around the corner. But no matter the sport the markup on beer at stadiums is criminal, and any (not mention anything decent) booze is hard to come by or completely unavailable.

If you're going to the game—I must confess I was lucky enough to get a ticket through a friend to Thursday night's BCS Championship in Pasadena; go Longhorns!—here are some diabolical strategies to help you sneak in your own drink and avoid getting that expensive flask confiscated or being humiliated at the gate when they take away your beer.

  • Barnoculars
    This ingenious double flask looks exactly like a pair of binoculars, except—get this—it's hollow and you can fill each chamber with an alcoholic beverage of your choice. I like the idea of filling one side with, say, Wild Turkey, and the other with, say, Budweiser, for the ultimate, sneaky Boilermaker. Only $11.99 at Amazon.
  • Sippin' Seat Flask
    It looks like one of those nylon seat cushions that season-ticket holders take to games. But, surprise!, it's hollow and holds up to 36 ounces of your favorite boozy liquid, equal, as the ad points, out to 3 cans of beer or a bottle of wine. Now, only in SF would someone fill a seat cushion with a bottle of wine. I recommend something stronger—perhaps, mezcal. Only $29.95 at Kegworks.
  • The Beerbelly
    The ultimate! Mission Imposible-style subterfuge meets Jackass-style comedy to come up with the Beerbelly, a strap-on bladder that holds up to 80 oz (80 oz!) of whatever, preferably beer. That's a six-pack, my friend. As the website notes, "When worn under your clothes you just look like a dude with a beerbelly, or pregnant if you're a lady." Not sexy, but . . . so sexy! They also make the WineRack for the ladies, which turns "an A cup in to double Ds [sic]" along the same principle as the Beerbelly. The only problem in this is for, let's say, well-endowed ladies or guys that already have beer bellies and double d's (maybe from already using one of these fine products for a couple season's worth of games). If that's the case, how are you supposed to wear a prosthetic pouch? Well, here's a thought for a new product: The HunchPack. It looks like you suffer from kyphosis, when in fact you are carrying 22 oz of London Dry Gin at the nape of your neck. You simply need to be able to walk hunched over and drool. The Beerbelly, just $34.95.

More along these lines—sneaky shorts, cell phone flasks—at the great Hideyourbooze.com.