Friendship vs. Fire


by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I’ve been dating someone for about four months. She’s really nice, and I’ve never felt this comfortable around anyone before. We also have great sex. The problem is that I don’t feel that “thing” for her—there’s no fire or passion; my heart doesn’t skip a beat when she walks into the room. While I think she’s a really nice woman—she’s treated me better than anyone I’ve ever dated—I’m confused about whether to stay with her since I don’t have those feelings. I know that passion and fire fade into friendship eventually, but shouldn’t you at least have that in the beginning? I feel like a bitch for even considering breaking up with such a great girl.—Confused

Darren    The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox

You have every right to feel the way you’re feeling. At some point, many of us have fallen into this same rut of dating someone simply for the sake of dating. For those of us who have experienced dating someone that we’re actually excited about dating, we know there’s a huge difference between the two. It sounds like you’re one of the latter, and I congratulate you on that.

There’s nothing wrong with telling the person you’re dating what you’re telling us. In fact, if you don’t, you’re robbing her of the experience she deserves in a mutual relationship. You know in your heart that it isn’t right. We all deserve to be absolutely 100 percent in love with someone and have that love returned to us no matter who we are. Sometimes we find love and lose it, only to replace or enhance it again with the next person we find. Know the difference in what you and/or she have versus what you deserve. If the feelings aren’t there with this person, your quest continues, and you should push on until you find that person you’re looking for.

Check in tomorrow to read the straight woman's perspective by Rebecca Brown.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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