Friendship vs. Fire, Part 3


by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I’ve been dating someone for about four months. She’s really nice and I’ve never felt this comfortable around anyone before. We also have great sex. The problem is that I don’t feel that “thing” for her—there’s no fire or passion; my heart doesn’t skip a beat when she walks into the room. While I think she’s a really nice woman—she’s treated me better than anyone I’ve ever dated—I’m confused about whether to stay with her since I don’t have those feelings. I know that passion and fire fade into friendship eventually, but shouldn’t you at least have that in the beginning? I feel like a bitch for even considering breaking up with such a great girl.—Confused

Chris    The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy

You say you have great sex but there’s no spark? Doesn’t make sense to me. Hmm. OK, well, anyway, you’re looking for fire. As the saying goes, you play with fire and you can get burned. You probably know this because any fiery relationships you’ve had in the past flamed out. So now what do you want? You want to keep going down that fiery road or do you want to try something new?

It seems like you have that new opportunity now. Are you not satisfied with someone who treats you well and with whom you have great sex? If you’re looking for something more, then yes, get out and let this great girl keep her respect. If you’re considering breaking up with her and are complaining about the lack of passion now, I don’t see you getting any happier with the relationship until you decide that maybe some good things will come from a caring, kind partner. Perhaps you don’t really want someone who treats you well—you’d rather have someone you have that fire with. Someone who keeps you uncomfortable and on edge. ’Tis a little masochistic. Dare I say you’re a bit of a relationship arsonist. Good luck with your decision. Just make sure to save your partner before you burn down this relationship.

Check in tomorrow for the gay woman's perspective by Jody Fischer.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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