Friendship vs. Fire, Part 4


by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I’ve been dating someone for about four months. She’s really nice and I’ve never felt this comfortable around anyone before. We also have great sex. The problem is that I don’t feel that “thing” for her—there’s no fire or passion; my heart doesn’t skip a beat when she walks into the room. While I think she’s a really nice woman—she’s treated me better than anyone I’ve ever dated—I’m confused about whether to stay with her since I don’t have those feelings. I know that passion and fire fade into friendship eventually, but shouldn’t you at least have that in the beginning? I feel like a bitch for even considering breaking up with such a great girl.—Confused

Jody    The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer

I hear you LOUD and CLEAR on this one! And here’s what I’ve learned about all that heart skipping a beat jazz: it usually leads to Trouble. (Note the capital T.) When your heart’s skipping beats and your head’s in the clouds, it’s because you’re crushed out and lovesick, not in love.

How have your past fiery, passionate relationships ended up? For me, this over-the-top fiery feeling is a warning sign that I’m not seeing the real person.

So let’s go down the checklist for a quality, serious relationship: The person treats you well and respects you; the sex is usually hot; the person is nice, kind, and grounded and comfortable in her own skin; she likes your company and who you are; you have common values and you “get” one another; she’s actually physically and emotionally available; and she’s self- supportive and the timing is right. Add a little fairy dust in there and you could just have a great partner!

I’m assuming that you’re both women, since you said that you feel like a bitch as opposed to a bastard for considering a break-up. So I’ll add another item to the check list: You’re both comfortable with your orientation and how you share that with the world. If one is out and the other isn’t, that’s a major issue.

Check in next week for another Q&A series by The 4-Way.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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