Gaydar Love, Part 3


by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I think the guy I’m dating might be gay, or possibly bisexual. We’ve been dating for about two-and-a-half months and we’ve never had sex. We’ve never done anything but kiss. At first I thought he was just being gentlemanly, but now I wonder if it’s because he doesn’t know he’s into guys yet. I’m trying not to let myself be influenced by the stereotypes of gay men, but now that my friends are starting to meet him (and I have a few gay male friends), they all say he seems gay too. We have a great time together and he’s really nice, funny, smart and sweet, but the physical part just doesn’t seem to be there, at least for him. Should I ask him if he’s gay? Or end it? The only problem is, I like him and I don’t want to end it. Please help.—JG

Chris    The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy

Do you really care what his orientation is? You say you do, but I say you don’t. Your friends say he’s gay, you hope nay, but he won’t give you a roll in the hay. (The bad poetry is over now.) What you really care about is why he’s not attracted to you.

What matters about anyone you’re dating—straight, gay or bi—is how he or she treats you and makes you feel. He’s making you feel unsexy and undesirable and that’s not acceptable.

What you really need to ask him is if he’s attracted to you, and if so, why isn’t he showing it? His answers will give you all the material you need to decide if you want to continue dating him. If he’s gay, you get the explanation you want and you can continue your platonic friendship without any expectations. If he’s straight, then he needs to straighten out and start showing you some love.

I’m concerned that you put up with this even for a few months, but I’m glad you wrote to us. It shows that you’re ready to do something about it. Your doubt can’t go on any longer and you know it.

To me, this issue is universal, gay or straight: Go out with someone who wants you and makes you feel good about yourself. That’s the only kind of orientation that really matters.

Check in tomorrow for the gay woman's perspective by Jody Fischer.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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