Gaydar Love, Part 4


by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I think the guy I’m dating might be gay, or possibly bisexual. We’ve been dating for about two-and-a-half months and we’ve never had sex. We’ve never done anything but kiss. At first I thought he was just being gentlemanly, but now I wonder if it’s because he doesn’t know he’s into guys yet. I’m trying not to let myself be influenced by the stereotypes of gay men, but now that my friends are starting to meet him (and I have a few gay male friends), they all say he seems gay too. We have a great time together and he’s really nice, funny, smart and sweet, but the physical part just doesn’t seem to be there, at least for him. Should I ask him if he’s gay? Or end it? The only problem is, I like him and I don’t want to end it. Please help.—JG

Jody    The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer

As a gay person myself, I always wonder when someone says, “Oh, he/she seems gay.” What does that mean exactly? Did he hit on one of your gay male friends? That would be a clear indicator. Is it just that he acts out some gay male stereotypes? That tells you very little. I know straight men who fit that bill and are definitely into women.

Here are other possibilities: He’s asexual or is dealing with an illness, a past abuse or who knows what. The only way you’ll know for sure is to ask him. You say you like him, so why would you end it without getting the story and seeing if you can make this work? It concerns me that you’d be willing to consider ending it without a conversation.

Ask yourself, what are the qualities that make this man great? Focus on what you enjoy about your connection. If you approach this situation with genuine care and concern, you may get to keep a great guy in your life. It sounds like even if he’s not boyfriend material, you have a real connection here. It’s time for you to make the first move toward honesty and trust. Talk with him soon.

Check in next week for another Q&A series with The 4-Way.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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