Girlfriend or Girl Friend?


by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I have a girlfriend that I’m casually seeing and we get together occasionally. Things can be fun and hot when we’re together, but there’s one thing. She’s had some trauma in the past (which we haven’t really delved into) and wants nothing to do with touching me. (No hands, and forget about mouth.) It’s OK for the most part, but it’s become clear things aren’t going to change. Any thoughts on what I should do? A guy needs some love.—GQ

Darren    The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox

GQ, you don’t have a girlfriend right now. You have a friend that’s a girl. Do you understand the difference? Maybe the reason she won’t let you touch or kiss her is because she can play dirty on the side with you but not feel guilty about cheating on someone else.

You say that it’s OK for the most part, but it’s clear things are never going to change. Are you fine with that? Have you told her that? Until you have a very frank conversation that involves wanting to take your relationship to the next level, you’re stuck in instant replay, my friend.

The most important thing I can advise is just talk to her. Find out what the rest of the story is. She might open up to you and tell you what the trauma was. After that, she might feel that she can be more open with you since you understand her and that could help take your relationship in the right direction.

Don’t rush things with her. Just get to know her and listen to her. Please understand that I’m not saying you have to be physical to be in a relationship, so hold the nasty emails, people. But, GQ, a guy and a girl both have needs.

Check in tomorrow to read the straight woman's perspective by Rebecca Brown.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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