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It’s Not the Size of the Boat, Part 3

By: The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

My boyfriend has a tiny penis. I’m talking like maybe three inches tiny—and that’s when it’s hard. The sex isn’t bad, but it’s not great either. I know that this shouldn’t bother me, but for some reason it does. We have oral sex pretty much every day—sometimes twice—which makes me think he’s aware of this problem and wants to try to please me in different ways. The problem is that I’m so hung up on his smallness that I can’t concentrate anymore, and I rarely come from anything. Do other people have dicks this small? We haven’t been dating that long, and I’m not sure he’s Mr. Right, so I’m considering breaking up with him since the sex is so average. That makes me feel a little shallow, though. What do you guys think about all this?—VW

Rebecca    The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown

You’re right. Small is bad. It’s so much more fun to have a big old nine-or ten-inch thing banging into your cervix every time you have sex, making you feel like you’ve got a bad case of cramps instead of experiencing pleasure. Yeah, that sounds like a dream.

I think you’re dealing with a micropenis, VDub, which is a unit that measures less than two inches when it’s flaccid. About 0.6 percent of men have them, so yes, other people have dicks that small. I don’t think you’re shallow; I do think that while most women wouldn’t admit it, they’d at least wonder deep down (where that tiny trouser snake could never reach) if bigger really is better.

But I did a little research on the microschlong and discovered that its shortness can sometimes be a plus. A dong that only penetrates a few inches can sometimes hit just the right spot, a handy little place known as your G-spot. Since you said the sex is so-so, I’m guessing that this wasn’t the case for you. But lucky you—oral every day! I know a lot of women would be thrilled at the prospect of that. You don’t mention if that’s satisfying or not, but if it isn’t, shame on you for not giving the poor guy some guidance. Help a brother out, why don’t ya, VW? If he has to live with a small Johnson, the least you could do is help him become the King of Cunnilingus. Have a heart.

Bottom line, though—you don’t seem all that jazzed about him, the sex isn’t that great, and all you can think about is his tiny pork sword. Stop wasting everyone’s time and go forth and find your John Holmes.

Check in tomorrow to read the gay man's perspective by Darren Maddox.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.