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Match.com Profiles: The Ultimate SF Girl and Guy

 

Home to the Summer of Love, the place where you leave your heart—this city is known for being in touch with its emotions. As poets and progressives, we embrace therapy and gender-bending sexuality. As tech nerds, we've got sexting down pat. But these are the very things that make love a minefield. From the hookup to the breakup, it's all a risky proposition—starting with the first online date.

Taken from the pages of 7x7’s April Sex and Love Issue, these are not real Match profiles, so don't go looking them up.


Exhibit A: Ambitious Beauty Looking For Soul Mate

30rocks415
Love a good challenge.

30-year-old woman
San Francisco, California, United States
Seeking men 30-35
Relationships: Never married
Want kids: Definitely
Body type: Slender [JUST COMING OFF FAT FLUSH PLAN. HELLO HAMBURGER!]
Height: 5' 6”
Smoke: No way
Drink: Social drinker [WHITE WINE, ALWAYS. RED WINE, IF I LIKE YOU.]

Favorite Things: Words with Friends app, This American Life (I cry), 30 Rock (I laugh), Dexter (I hide behind my hands), dark chocolate, boots (lots of boots), El Rio [AIMING FOR MISSION DISTRICT CRED HERE], the Presidio, Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros, Beyonce's “Halo”

Last Read: The Glass Castle and a guilty moment with US Weekly at the gym [FINE, MY SUBSCRIPTION RAN OUT]

About me and who I'm looking for

This online thing is the result of my intolerance for the bar scene [I DO NOT SUFFER FOOLS], not to mention a failed audition for The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love [UNLESS THE FOOLS ARE ON THE BACHELOR, WHICH I'M ADDICTED TO]. If you believe the latter, click on the next girl now. I'm a free-spirit-meets-geek [APP ADDICTION]. I live in Russian Hill [SAFE] but find myself more than not in the Mission for drinks at Beretta [BARTENDERS-WITH-TATTOOS WEAKNESS]. I'm independent [AND EXPECT YOU TO PAY FOR DINNER]. I bite my nails and chew on ice [JUST A LITTLE NEUROTIC]. Jogging along the Embarcadero recently lead to training for a triathalon. I love the Ferry Plaza Farmers Market [BUT MY FRIDGE IS BARE]. A night alone is Vietnamese delivery and my two loves: Jon Stewart [BUT PLEASE DON'T BE 5'6” TOO!] and Apartment Therapy [HEAVY NESTER]. I'm searching for a good-humored guy, sarcasm a plus. Someone who's traveled South of France? Yes! [OUR HONEYMOON IS PLANNED]. I want someone thoughtful and passionate. Peter Pans need not apply [I'M TRYING TO BREAK THE HABIT. HELP ME HELP MYSELF].

For Fun: traveling, beaching it, dancing, a game of poker (if I win), long brunches, frequent trips to NYC (miss it), weekends at Squaw, volunteering [HEY, AN HOUR A MONTH COUNTS!].

Exhibit B: Restless Soul Seeks "GF"

freewheelin007
This is not how it looks.

33-year-old man
San Francisco, California, United States
Seeking women 25-33
Relationships: Never married
Have kids:
No
Want kids:
Not sure [I'M SURE I DON'T, BUT I LIKE WOMEN WHO DO]
Body type: Athletic and toned [ISH]
Height: 6' [MINUS THREE INCHES]
Smoke: No way
Drink: Social Drinker [VERY SOCIAL]

Favorite Things: Killing Yourself to Live, Black Heart Tattoo, midcentury furniture [YOUR HOLLYWOOD REGENCY DRESSER? DEAL BREAKER], Schmidt's, Werner Herzog, Walter Salles, Animal Collective

Last Read: The Economist [IT LOOKS GREAT ON MY COFFEE TABLE]

About me and who I’m looking for

I find joy in a super carne asada burrito from El Farolito; a Giants game in the nosebleeds; an hour spent browsing Green Apple Books for hardcover Palahniuks [IF I COULD ONLY BE SO COOL]. Here’s what I don’t do: I don’t drink Fernet but I do like a Pliny the Elder. I don’t rent; I bought a flat in Nopa before it was Nopa [MOM AND DAD PROVIDED THE DOWN PAYMENT]. I don’t drive, I bike (or ride a little 1972 Honda motorcycle I’m fixing up) [WELL, POLISHING UP]. I don’t tweet or wear ironic T-shirts [STARTING NOW]. I’ve never gone hunting, but The Omnivore’s Dilemma made me want to. I don’t trust women who order a venti skinny latte; you’ll find me at Ritual [MY OFFICE] drinking too many double macchiatos. I don’t think you need to watch Sarah Silverman, but I do [SHE’S LIKE A GUY, WHICH IS SO HOT]. I’m hoping to find a companion. A lover, a friend [LET’S GO DUTCH]. Someone who can honestly say she is happy [HOLD THE WATERWORKS]. Someone who can kick my butt on a ride out to the Headlands. You’re up on politics and will fly standby to South America. My only rule: no drama [MY EXIT EXCUSE].

For Fun: precarious situations, jetting to far-off places, a great film in an old theater, real street food (not this crème brûlée cart stuff), cooking up a midnight snack for two [OR THREE].

 

Questions about love, sex and relationships in San Francisco? Send them to our Two Sense editors at Twosense@7x7.com, and they might just answer them on their weekly column.

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