by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I am in a very serious relationship—my first one. I love him very much, but something has come up and I’m not sure what to do.

Due to some suspicious events, I decided to go into his email and MySpace accounts to look around. I found that he’s been asking female “friends” to send him pictures of themselves in revealing clothes. Furthermore, early on in our relationship, an ex-girlfriend sent him naked pictures that he apparently asked for.

I’ve let him take pictures of me in revealing clothes and in suggestive poses. I also know that he invited one of the girls he asked for dirty pictures to his apartment and asked her to bring a camera with her. I know what happens after we’re done taking pictures and I hate to think that he would do the same thing with her.

I don’t know how to approach this subject without revealing that I snooped. Should I ask him about it now? Should I even bring it up at all? I’m hurt and I’m angry, but I don’t know what to do.—MS


    The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown
 
See, this is why you don’t get all Scooby Doo and go snooping around in people’s medicine cabinets, drawers, and especially their email and MySpace accounts. Because if you find something objectionable, it’s difficult to discuss what’s wrong when you yourself did something wrong. Aren’t ethics a bitch sometimes?

As I see it, you have three choices …

Option one: You can keep quiet and say nothing, but that’s lame.

Option two: You break up with him and tell him, “you know why” but don’t give him details; you let him feel guilty. This is the pussy way out, though, because you never have to own up to what you did—and you never get to hear his side. (Or see him sweat, which I’m frankly loving the thought of.) It’s page one of the Passive-Aggressive Handbook, but I don’t think that’s how you want to play this. I say go aggressive as hell, which leads me to ...

Option three: Tell him what you did and confront him about what’s going on. Make him squirm. But beware, he’s going to try and make the whole discussion about what you did (snooping), not what he did (being a dirty, philandering piece of naked-picture-taking crap). Don’t let him. Probably the very events that made you suspicious enough to check his accounts are related to his little photography hobby.

Since this is your first relationship, let me say this: dating a guy who takes naked photos of other girls and who most likely has sex with them after is not the basis for anything meaningful. Dump his ass and don’t look back. But make sure you get back every single naked and/or suggestive picture of yourself before you confront him. Otherwise you might find yourself in a Kim Kardashian or Pamela Anderson kind of situation, only without the huge boobs and Baywatch reruns to comfort you.

Check in tomorrow to read the gay woman's perspective by Jody Fischer.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.