by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I am in a very serious relationship—my first one. I love him very much, but something has come up and I’m not sure what to do.

Due to some suspicious events, I decided to go into his email and MySpace accounts to look around. I found that he’s been asking female “friends” to send him pictures of themselves in revealing clothes. Furthermore, early on in our relationship, an ex-girlfriend sent him naked pictures that he apparently asked for.

I’ve let him take pictures of me in revealing clothes and in suggestive poses. I also know that he invited one of the girls he asked for dirty pictures to his apartment and asked her to bring a camera with her. I know what happens after we’re done taking pictures and I hate to think that he would do the same thing with her.

I don’t know how to approach this subject without revealing that I snooped. Should I ask him about it now? Should I even bring it up at all? I’m hurt and I’m angry, but I don’t know what to do.—MS


    The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy
 
So you’re in your very first very serious relationship with someone you love very much, but he’s been inviting women to come over and get naked while he takes pictures of them and then has sex with them? So much for beginner’s luck, MS.

I’m going against the grain here of those who will scold you for snooping around. Trespassing on someone’s privacy is not good. But sometimes the end justifies the means. Let’s face it, had you not snooped, you would’ve continued on this false road for far too long.

One would argue you could have asked him if anything was going on before you went investigating, but I highly doubt this guy would’ve been honest with you. Guess you could’ve given him the chance, though.

Anyway, it sounds like he gave you due cause to sniff around. If someone enters your house without a search warrant and finds the dead person you’re responsible for killing, you’ve committed the greater crime and you’ve waived your right to cry foul about the intrusion.

Why are you willing to stay with this guy? Do you think telling him you know what he’s up to and expressing your disapproval of it is going to stop him? I don’t. He’s proven himself untrustworthy and I don’t think you’ll have any peace of mind with this guy if you let him convince you he won’t do it anymore. He will.

Your suspicion has been justified and you know what you should do—get away from this deadbeat ASAP!—but you’re feeling too hurt to do it. Granted.

But the temporary hurt you’ll feel gathering up the pictures this dirtbag has of you and leaving him will pale in comparison to the prolonged hurt, confusion, and degradation you’ll feel if you stay and continue to waste your time in this dead-end relationship.

Trust me, I’m the grim reaper. I know about dead-ends.

Check in next week for another Q&A series with The 4-Way.

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