Love + Sex
The city of San Francisco can breathe a collective sigh of relief this afternoon. After a months-long, ugly duel over Prop. 8, the District Court Judge Vaughn Walker (a gay man himself) ruled the measure unconstitutional under due-process and equal protection clauses.
I’ve been dating a girl, and it’s starting to get serious, but I have long-term doubts because— here goes—she’s had too many lovers. I expect a woman to have had 15 or 20 or maybe even 25 lovers by the time she reaches her mid-30s, but this girl has had twice that, and while my rational side understands the math, some part of my lower brain finds it hard to trust her.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over two years and living with him for one. He’s going to grad school in the fall and he wants to try a long-distance relationship. At 30, I don’t know if I’m willing to wait another two years. How can a long-distance relationship work after we’ve lived together? How can I control myself so that I don’t turn into a jealous girlfriend who’s constantly worrying that her man is looking at 20-year-old undergrads? He tells me he isn’t ready to propose and needs to finish school. But it doesn’t seem fair to wait around at my age.
—30 and Ready in SoMa
My boyfriend and I are very committed but he recently told me he wants to try an open sexual relationship. We know a couple who have been doing this for several years and although they have some issues, they seem happy enough. I’m much more concerned that this could break us up than I am excited about having sex with someone else. Any suggestions?
He Said: Yes I do have a suggestion: Ask yourself what it is that you are committed to. If the answer is committed to being a couple, which it sounds like, then do not have an open relationship. Outside action is usually a symptom that something central is missing and if you want to stay with your boyfriend, find out what the real need is and fill it.
My wife recently asked me if I wanted to have a ménage à trois with her and a girlfriend of hers. The girlfriend is smoking hot which makes it tempting but the flip side is that this women’s boyfriend wants the same situation with his girlfriend and my wife. My wife and I have been monogamous up till now and she says she’s willing to try this arrangement if I am.
He Said: Everyman's Dream, may I introduce you to Everyman's Nightmare. Wow and ouch. You haven't said how you feel about another man having sex with your wife, so maybe you are still trying the idea on for size to see how it fits. Here are some ideas to mull over while you measure yourself for a suit of amour.
When I’m out at night with my girlfriends we occasionally meet guys and, though I’m in a committed relationship, I still find myself kissing one now and then. The strangest part is that because my relationship with my boyfriend is so solid, I feel like kissing these guys is OK and I'm not really cheating. Am I kidding myself?
My boyfriend and I are on a break, but I found his profile on an online dating site. We specified that the break was not meant for us to see other people. (I found his profile because I had a hunch and looked for it, not because I’m on the site myself.) What do I do? —Confused GF
I’m a 27-year-old Indian woman and have been madly in love with a wonderful man who isn’t Indian for three years. My parents are very traditional, don’t like this guy, and want me to marry another Indian. My boyfriend and I are thinking of eloping, but not only would our marriage bring some shame to my family, I have an older sister who is also somewhat traditional and it would make it harder for her to marry into a good family if I got married first. Any suggestions?
My husband is generally a caring and compassionate man, but when we get in an argument he never admits fault or apologizes. It’s like it’s not in him. I know this is the pattern in his family too. When the argument is over, he goes about his day, no grudges held, but no sorry either. I might err on the side of apologizing too much, but part of the reason for that is that I hate conflict and want it to be resolved as soon as possible. Otherwise, I internalize it and fume. So, no apology from him equals me fuming for days, while he’s moved on.
I love my boyfriend but hate his family. I can’t stand the thought of having to spend holidays with his family for the rest of my life. I can’t stand their values and don’t want my children around them. They’re from the “wrong side of the tracks” and even have a family member in prison. I feel like a snob about this. Help.