by The 4-Way Panel
I met a guy about two months ago who was just getting out of a marriage and had only been separated for about four months. He assured me that he had worked through his feelings over his failed marriage, so we charged forward. We moved very fast and were inseparable up until about two weeks ago ... when his wife decided she wanted him back. I was blown away; I’d seen this coming and totally ignored it. My heart is in shreds and my nerves are shot. He can’t make up his mind, but he still wants to see me. But this woman left him after jerking him around for two years—what’s to go back to? He says he hasn’t been physical with her, but since he’s not been completely honest with me lately, I’m not really sure. In fact, I don’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth, but I want to hold onto him for reasons I’m not entirely sure I understand. Please help.—NS
The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
I’m so glad to hear you say that you don’t understand why you want to hold onto this situation. Let’s help give you some clarity.
First, you can’t control what this guy does or if he is being truthful. It’s pretty important that you get this, so repeat after me: “His actions are out of my control. I cannot change him.”
What are you in control of, NS? You’ve got it—yourself. You have to ask yourself some key questions in order to understand why you want to hang onto a situation in which you can only lose. Are you often attracted to men who are unavailable? I realize that it seemed at first like he might have been available, but you saw rather quickly that he has a lot to work out. Yet you stayed, honey. You stayed.
Perhaps you want to rescue him from his ex. Have you found yourself in the rescuer position before? Perhaps you love drama in your life and it feels like his back and forth actions give you a sense of purpose?
Do something for me. Take five slow, deep breaths and feel your feet on the ground. Now repeat after me, “I will have a wonderfully fulfilling life with a man who can truly walk with me.” This guy isn’t it. Walk away, my dear, and create the life you truly want.
Check in tomorrow to read the straight man's perspective by Chris Kennedy.
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by The 4-Way Panel