by The 4-Way Panel
I met a guy about two months ago who was just getting out of a marriage and had only been separated for about four months. He assured me that he had worked through his feelings over his failed marriage, so we charged forward. We moved very fast and were inseparable up until about two weeks ago ... when his wife decided she wanted him back. I was blown away; I’d seen this coming and totally ignored it. My heart is in shreds and my nerves are shot. He can’t make up his mind, but he still wants to see me. But this woman left him after jerking him around for two years—what’s to go back to? He says he hasn’t been physical with her, but since he’s not been completely honest with me lately, I’m not really sure. In fact, I don’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth, but I want to hold onto him for reasons I’m not entirely sure I understand. Please help.—NS
The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy
You want to hold onto him because he’s someone special to you.
He’s in a complicated situation. As you said, you probably saw it coming but ignored it, hoping it would go away. You knew what you were getting into when you started—this man was on the rebound.
I’m sorry to say I agree that you don’t have much control over what decision—or rather indecision—HE has before him right now. You’ve expressed you want to keep dating him. He knows this and is still considering going back to his wife.
Here’s your game plan: don’t let this rebound bounce around anymore. Grab the ball and take a shot. The clock is running out. It’s ultimatum time: you or the wife.
Be prepared to break up with him if he wavers and wants more time. Tell him to go work it out with his wife. Not an easy thing, but there are no easy things in this predicament anyway. Let him go back to his wife. If he works it out, chalk one up for the marriage team. If he doesn’t, then he can KNOW that you’re someone special who won’t be “dribbled around,” and he can be sincere in wanting to win you back.
If you’re still available when he realizes this, you’ll have a man who’s ready to play ball and give you the full effort you deserve.
Be strong, sometimes a good defense is the best offense.
Check in next week for another Q&A series with The 4-Way.
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by The 4-Way Panel
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