Recovering from First Date Sex, Part 2


by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I recently went out with a man I met online. We met for a drink first, and we hit it off, so we decided to extend our date and go to dinner too. We had a great connection and we made each other laugh. I was also very attracted to him physically, and I could tell that he felt the same about me. We ended up back at my house for a glass of wine, and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, so we slept together. On the first date! I really like this guy and I’m worried that sleeping with him means it’s over, that this relationship will go nowhere. Do you think there’s a chance it can work?—BG

Darren    The straight woman's perspective: Rebecca Brown

Standing in today for Rebecca is Magic 8-ball. Here’s what 8-ball has to say about this. Is there a chance it can work? From my extensive focus groups on this topic (eavesdropping on people at Starbucks on Sunday mornings), I’d say outlook not so good, better ask again later. I do know of one couple who’s been happily married for several years, and they had sex on their first date. But they’re kind of an anomaly, like Lindsay Lohan at an AA meeting.

Here’s the thing that my guy friends always tell me: guys are hunters and chasers, they like to win. By sleeping with him immediately, you’ve given him nothing else to hunt or chase; he’s already won. There’s no more anticipation of anything. This guy will never again wonder what your naked body will feel like next to his, because he’s felt it. He won’t sit at his desk and wonder about the size of your nipples, or daydream about whether the sex with you will be hot because he already knows.

I know it seems like the prize of this hunt and chase should be your affection and a fabulous relationship, but it doesn’t work like that. You need to keep him feeling like he has something else to win. While you’re doing this, you’ll be getting to know each other, so that by the time you actually do sleep with him, you’ll have a solid emotional foundation and you can stop with the stupid games.

In the meantime, if you find yourself in this situation again, why not try a little experiment the next time you sleep with someone on the first date (and I wouldn’t make that a habit). Right before you leave, tell him you had a great time, but that this won’t be happening again. Then kiss him on the cheek and walk as sexily as you can out the door. My guess is you’ll hear from him within four days.

I’m not advocating game-playing here, but for God’s sake, woman—if you’re gonna do the nasty with a guy on the first date, you should at least have a strategy! Good luck and let me know how it goes.

Check in tomorrow to read the straight man's perspective by Chris Kennedy.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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