Scratching the Seven-Year Itch, Part 2


By: The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,
I’m in a seven-year relationship with a guy I care about deeply. We own a home together, get along very well, and have a safe, stable relationship. The problem is that our relationship feels platonic, and to me, unsatisfying. I’m thirty-two and he’s thirty-eight, but we only have sex about three or four times a year. When we kiss, it’s like I’m kissing my brother. I work out and take care of myself, but he doesn’t seem to notice my efforts at all. We hardly ever do anything social together.

I feel like our connection is being lost, but on the other hand, I’ve already invested so much time and effort into the relationship. I dread the thought of having to move out, date, and start over again. I’m also scared that I won’t meet anyone new since most of the great guys in my age range are already taken. I can see myself growing old with him and maybe I won’t care about the lack of sex or going out and having fun when I’m older. In the meantime, however, I’m more and more tempted to have an affair. Is that the solution? Am I being selfish for having such a great guy but wanting more?—SY, Roanoke, Virgina

   The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer

Um, did I miss something here? Exactly WHAT is great, or even good about this guy? Is it the fact that there’s no sexual chemistry, he doesn’t notice you, or that you move in separate social circles that makes you convinced of his greatness?

The National Fear Society called, SY, and they want you to be their new CEO. Honey, your letter is filled with fear. Fear of letting go of what you know and fear that you will only meet disappointment if you search for something new. What’s called for is courage, self-love, a few good friends, and holding onto the belief that you can indeed create the life you want to be living. I don’t see an affair as part of the life you’ve always dreamed of for yourself.

I’m not saying it will be easy to leave this guy, but this is what you should be working toward. My guess is that he isn’t fulfilled either in this relationship. In fact, I wonder if he’s involved with someone (or something) else?

Your first step toward creating the life you deserve is an honest conversation with him. Ask him if he’s happy with your relationship. If he says no, that’s a perfect place to start sharing about what’s not working for you, too. Perhaps you can create change within the relationship. If he says he’s content, then it’s time for you to find your bliss on a new path.

Walk through your fears. Start talking. You are the change you want to create.

Check in tomorrow to read the straight woman’s perspective by Rebecca Brown.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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