I'm a successful, moderately good-looking guy, in great shape, good personality (or so I'm told), single and alone in this city. I am in my early 40s but look 10 years younger and every one of my friends gives me the "how are you still single?" routine. I'm somewhat new to the city, and I think I'm in the wrong venues: Bars/nightclubs just aren't doing it. I don't want a one-night stand, temporary fix, or "hipster life." I want substance, support, conversation, debate, challenges and an honest-to-god connection. If you know the secret spots in the city where I should be going, or things I should be doing, please give me a heads up? I'm trying my best to make the so-called "horrible dating scene" in SF better, but I'm just not having any luck. —SF Bachelor
I’m a 33-year-old, confident single gal who often dishes out dating advice to my friends. Over the past six months I’ve developed a friendship with "Mr. M,” 12 years my senior, and it became evident that we share amazing chemistry. I’m extremely attracted to him. Trouble is, I want to be in a committed relationship. Mr. M’s divorce ended badly, and he clearly harbors bitterness towards marriage; he also admits to having issues with even non-marital commitments. But he’s extremely fun to be around and we always have a wonderful time. On two separate occasions, after a long evening of dinner, wine and flowing conversation, we hooked up. I realize he can’t offer the relationship I want, so am I playing with fire by sleeping with him? By crossing that line have I pigeoned-holed us as "friends with benefits"? I thought I was long over my attraction to unavailable men. I am open to meeting and dating someone else. but I have such a weakness for Mr. M. Am I doomed?
I recently met a guy I'm interested in. We flirted, exchanged numbers, and the next day he friended me on Facebook and I accepted. Then, a week later, I got a friend request from his estranged wife (they are long separated) and from someone who I think is an ex-girlfriend of his. He doesn’t think it’s any big deal, but I’m spooked. Do you think these women are FB stalkers?
I hear a lot about SF guys being unable to commit to a longterm relationship, but I’m having trouble finding one who can simply commit to a date! Whether I meet the guy through friends, while out on the town or online, what I’ve been finding are a lot of men who are GOP (great on paper)—educated, career-minded—but who flake like dandruff. Last Sunday a guy showed up for brunch an hour late, in his workout clothes and covered in sweat (all to "train for a 5k"). Other guys have FOMO (fear of missing out) and never commit to a time or place, just in case something else comes up. My girlfriends and I sometimes swap and forward these guys’ hilarious messages. Here’s one thread:
Lame-o: "When do I get to see you next?"
Lame-o: "Well, I can't this weekend. Maybe some other time?"
Me: "Oh, ok."
Lame-o: "Ok, bye."
Any advice on how to find an SF guy who can show up to a real date?
Welcome to our new weekly blog of half-truths and educated guesses on love, sex and relationships in SF. Here's who's dishing the advice:
He is a novelist living in SF who’s had one marriage, two live-in relationships, 10 girlfriends and a very wise therapist.
She is an SF health journalist who’s been married, single, communal, and bi-curious, and has studied tantra and orgasm—for research purposes, of course.