Three months ago, I started dating someone I care for deeply and can see nothing stopping me from fully committing to her. But my ex came by a few days ago, upset about our breakup, and we had sex. I honestly think it helped both of us close this chapter, but I’m afraid to tell my new partner about the incident. I’m also afraid not to tell her in case this comes out later.
I’m an overworked single mom with no time or energy for dating, but I’m horny as hell. I want to invite my ex over for some good crazy sex, but I think he’s still in love and I don’t want to hurt him. We went through this last spring, tried being casual, and just ended up giving the whole thing another go-round, which of course didn’t work. I don’t want to keep putting him through that but I need a F-buddy! And I don’t have the time to meet and vet a new man right now. I feel like a guy worried about using someone for sex. What do I do?
Riddle me this: How is it that so many smart, attractive, successful singles can’t find mates in this town, and yet I regularly see men and women coupled up with partners who don’t seem at all their equal in looks, talent, or personality? How do completely average people snag stellar mates, while other seemingly desirable singles cannot?
He Said: Many attractive and successful singles have a surprising shortcoming. Because others are naturally drawn to them, they haven’t been forced to practice the deeper art of being an interested partner. This is a life skill that many clever but otherwise average types have had to hone: Determine what’s missing or wanted in a potential mate’s life and offer to provide it.
Every year, I get itchy just thinking about Valentine’s Day. I’ve given my girlfriend flowers, earrings, nice dinners, and cards, but it all seems so canned. I think she feels it too. My gifts seem to underwhelm her. Help me do something different this year. Or should I just ignore it like I want to?
He Said: There are two kinds of women: those who expect us to read their minds concerning gifts and those who we’ve disappointed often enough to know better. What any gift must convey is that you cared enough to make a significant effort.
My mother has always tried to be more my friend than a parent. Sometimes this is sweet, sometimes it's embarrassing, but lately it's become positively nauseating. She's started having an affair (and she's still married to my dad) and can't wait to tell me all the lurid details. I've told her I don't want to hear them but even after I threaten to tell my father—who’s been a wonderful husband to her—she keeps the stories coming. How do I deal with her? And should I really tell my dad?
Q: I recently asked my girlfriend of three years to get married. Neither of us is religious but some members of our families are so we decided to have a church wedding. I'm wondering if we could change the vows though. I have every intention of being faithful, and have done a pretty good job so far, but promising to "forsake all others" as long as I live sounds unrealistic these days so why bring it up?
My girlfriend and I have lots of great sex lasting usually an hour or so, and she regularly orgasms either from oral sex or intercourse. When she doesn’t (about a quarter of the time), I’m not sure when to keep trying versus move on to my own orgasm. I’m a sensitive guy, and I don’t like ending without her. But she says she’s fine with her frequency of orgasm and enjoys sex either way. And yet, this nags at me. I feel like I should be doing more, or she should be. Help.
My long-distance girlfriend lives in England, and I’ll be rejoining her there in nine months. Last night, I kissed another girl (whom I don’t even remotely like) for a second or two, after which I realized what I was doing and explained that I had a girlfriend. Though it’s no excuse, it’s worth noting that I was mega-drunk. I know I’ve cheated. Do I tell my girlfriend and possibly ruin our relationship or keep it to myself and live with the guilt?
He Said: Unless it’s one of your girlfriend’s blood relatives or BFs, a two-second kiss while drunk is a relatively mild betrayal. And luckily, guilt is an ugly, blunt, but effective tool we use to corral our own bad behavior. It sounds like this was a one-time slip on your part, so maybe you don’t need to beat yourself bloody.
My ex-girlfriend (from about three years ago) recently got married. I'm happy she found someone and was proud to attend their wedding. All through their dating and engagement, she and I saw each other socially—we haven't slept together since our breakup—about once a week and we intend to continue seeing each other. Unfortunately, her husband has an issue with this. Although I’ve tried to meet him for lunch and drinks a few times, he’s always found an excuse to be somewhere else. I've never been a threat to him; how do we deal with his problem?
He Said: You deal with his problem by respecting their marriage and honoring his concerns even if you don’t feel they’re valid. You may not be a sexual threat to this guy, but you continue to be intimate with his wife and that may need to change drastically. How much it needs to change depends on your relationship with your friend. Imagine she has a problem with her husband; if she would seriously consider coming to you to discuss it, then you have an outdated and inappropriate relationship with her.
This scenario has happened to me and several other smart, cool, normal women I know. You date, cautiously at first. But the guy is all about it. He pushes to see you, says serious things. Then, out of the blue, he runs away. I know it’s his innate fear-of-commitment, must-spread-my-seed caveman crap, but how do I avoid it in the future? A girl can’t tread carefully forever.