by The 4-Way Panel
I’ve been dating a fantastic guy for the past six months. We’re just now starting to have the “state of the relationship” talks where we discuss our potential future together. During one of our recent conversations, I found out that he doesn’t want to have kids. I’m crushed. I’ve always wanted kids, but this guy is incredible; he has every quality I want in a partner (except the desire for a family) and I’ve never had such a solid, loving relationship with anyone else I’ve dated. I hate to keep moving forward if having a family is out of the question, but I’m devastated at the thought of not being with him. What should I do?—CH
The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown
Everybody has their deal breakers. Bridget Jones tried to weed out alcoholics, workoholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobes, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, and perverts, just to name a few. But sometimes it’s not that easy. Sometimes you find a genuine non-fuckwit, dreamboat Mark Darcy-type that you just can’t find common ground with on something that means absolutely everything to you. And then what?
You don’t say whether not having kids is a deal breaker for you. Is it? Have you ever sat down and really thought about the path your life would take if you didn’t have a family? Will you be able to handle it when your friends called to tell you they’re pregnant? Will you be jealous? Resentful? Or will you be able to find enough joy in spending time with other people’s children that you can move past all that? Is your relationship with this man fulfilling enough to make you give up that dream of having a family?
If not, you should end it with him. The sooner the better, because the longer this relationship goes on, the deeper your ties to him will be, making it harder and harder to end. But more importantly, the longer you’re with him, the longer you delay getting back into the dating world to find someone who does want a family.
As much as we sometimes want to, we can’t change other people. We’re only in control of our lives and our actions. Think hard about what you can’t live without and take control of your life accordingly. There’s someone out there who wants all the same things as you; I’m just not sure it’s the man you’re with now.
Check in tomorrow to read the gay woman's perspective by Jody Fischer.
The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at email@example.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.
by The 4-Way Panel