by The 4-Way Panel
I’ve been dating a fantastic guy for the past six months. We’re just now starting to have the “state of the relationship” talks where we discuss our potential future together. During one of our recent conversations, I found out that he doesn’t want to have kids. I’m crushed. I’ve always wanted kids, but this guy is incredible; he has every quality I want in a partner (except the desire for a family) and I’ve never had such a solid, loving relationship with anyone else I’ve dated. I hate to keep moving forward if having a family is out of the question, but I’m devastated at the thought of not being with him. What should I do?—CH
The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy
The questions that start, “He’s perfect in every way but this one thing …” are always troublesome. That’s a pretty big but. That’s a J. Lo butt-but.
Can you change that one thing? I don’t think so. If family is important to you as you say, then this guy is not your future husband. He can still be fantastic, but he can’t be your husband. That’s hard to hear because you’ve built him up during these six months to be everything you’ve ever imagined. But now reality is rearing its he-doesn’t-want-to-have-kids head.
You can stay with this fantastic guy and continue to progress your relationship to the point where you get married, but only if you’re willing to not have kids. That’s what you have to decide. Can you deal with not having kids with this man?
Will he change his mind once he’s married and he gets older? Maybe. Should you stake the rest of your life and marriage on that maybe? I wouldn’t. Do you want to talk him into something he doesn’t really want to do? I wouldn’t. Do you want to raise kids in that environment? I wouldn’t.
You say you’ve always wanted kids. Now that you’ve told him that, he may start acting not so “fantastic” since he knows that you two may not be compatible. And you may start to feel less affinity for him knowing where he stands on this. Such is the process of relationships.
Since you’ve never really had a solid, loving relationship, I know that you may start to feel a bit hopeless here. I’m an optimist and believe you can have a solid, loving relationship with someone who wants kids. Most likely with someone other than this guy. You need to find a man who wants to be a Mr. Fantastic Husband and Father.
Check in next week for another Q&A series with The 4-Way.
The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at email@example.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.
by The 4-Way Panel