The Thirty Year-Old Virgin, Part 4


by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

My girlfriend is turning thirty in two months and she’s never had sex. We’ve been dating for about seven months and she was honest with me from the beginning that having sex was something that conflicted with her religious beliefs. The thing is, she’s perfectly okay with having oral sex, anal sex, and masturbating together (sometimes to porn)—just not vaginal sex. I know most guys would be fine with these alternatives, but I’m starting to feel a little guilty about corrupting her. She’s someone I can see myself with long term and I want to do the right thing, but I’m only human and I get horny. Should I go cold turkey all together? Or be okay with it if she is?—JF

Darren    The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer

JF, I’m a bit confused by your letter. Which is causing you more angst—corrupting her or not getting to have vaginal sex? Let’s start with the so-called corruption. Are you watching porn and having anal sex against her will? It doesn’t sound like that to me. It sounds like she’s a willing partner in your sex life as a couple. It also sounds like you have different religious beliefs than she does. This may be contributing to your uneasiness about your sexual experiences with her. She may be in line with what I’ll call the “letter of the law” in terms of no sex before marriage, but she certainly has violated the “spirit of the law.” Somehow I don’t think her church/synagogue/mosque would lovingly accept anal sex before (or after) marriage into their hearts.

But that’s really between her and her religious institution. You’re not responsible for her actions, but I do suggest an honest heart-to-heart conversation about how she sees all this. You’ll learn more about who she is and how she thinks and it just may alleviate feelings of guilt on your part.

As for your lingering horniness, I don’t get it. It seems to me that you guys are certainly engaging in activities that will allow you to have a full release. So what’s with the build-up? Perhaps I’m missing something here. Or maybe you just like what you like, which is fine, but why would you throw away a wonderful and exciting relationship? If you’re both interested in marriage, you’ll be able to have all you want sexually. It seems like you’ve thought about this already. Perhaps it’s time to start having conversations in that direction.

Check in tomorrow to read the straight woman's perspective by Rebecca Brown.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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