Cities Are Good For Kids - and Kids Are Good For Cities

Photo courtesy of Carbon NYC

My son was a colicky baby, wailing for hours and up before dawn. To comfort him—and escape our cramped apartment—we would take long walks. Fortifying coffee in hand and baby in pouch, I’d scale Folsom Street and then spiral up to Bernal Heights, where we could find nature without leaving San Francisco. Once I saw an owl gripping a branch, looking back at us with agate eyes. We kept up the ritual after the fussy baby turned into a happier toddler, and we would walk side by side. Max was just 2 when he surveyed the view and said, “Our city.” Some people argue that SF is no place to raise a kid, but I’ve always felt differently.

When I was little, my parents and I shared our own cramped apartment in the Sunset—so close to the N-Judah that our windows rattled. My friends and I ruled the neighborhood on BMX bikes, scrounging for change to buy piroshki and dim sum. I loved my independence, and the city’s grit just added texture. Starting in fourth grade, I rode the bus across Golden Gate Park to school, and while I happened to see my first flasher there, it didn’t kill me. In seventh grade, I stumbled upon a free performance of The Taming of The Shrew in the rose garden and watched it by myself, enthralled. I was shaped by San Francisco and devastated when my parents decided to move to Oregon to buy a house and send me to public high school. While our quality of life was objectively higher, I couldn’t get used to the sprawl, the rain, or the homogeneity of a place where Chinese food was bright red and candy sweet.

I returned to San Francisco in my 20s, vowing to stay. When I met a man at a party who had also lived here until high school, it seemed like fate. My husband and I share the pride of natives and the urge to stake our turf. No matter how many times we drive through our old neighborhoods—North Beach, the Richmond, Pacific Heights—we point out apartments where we spent formative years. “That was the window I’d sneak out of,” my husband will boast. “That used bookstore hung my first review in the window when I was 9.” Our nostalgic shtick is driven by the need to assert our right to live in this city that we can’t really afford—not with a child.

Many of my friends had babies around the same time. We used to gather in each other’s living rooms, drinking wine and commiserating over our exhaustion and our lack of time and money. While these are the grievances of new parents everywhere, San Francisco presents particular challenges. Spacious rentals are exorbitant and elusive, but buying a home remains out of reach for most families without independent means or two corporate jobs. A parking spot can raise a property’s value by $100,000, a shocking figure to anyone who hasn’t listened to an entire Sesame Street CD while circling the block looking for a space. I mean, $15,000 is a fortune for preschool, but what choice do working parents have? Then you can pay more for private kindergarten or play the public school lottery and risk getting slotted into a low-performing school across town. Only San Francisco operates under this lottery system, where kids aren’t guaranteed a spot at their neighborhood schools, prompting the flight of anxious families to the East Bay, Marin, and beyond.

According to the latest census, while the population of San Francisco grew over the past 10 years, the number of the city’s children under 18 years old shrunk from 19 percent to 14 percent. We are now the U.S. city with the fewest kids. Dogs outnumber children. And 50 percent of families plan to leave before their kids turn 5. One by one, as my friends’ children near kindergarten, they leave San Francisco. Whether you have kids or not, there’s something unsettling about this. A childless city, where most of the kids you see are tourists, isn’t a real city. It’s a theme park. Children do more than make a mess at restaurants and interrupt quiet cafes with their chatter. They remind us of the future, the passing of time, and the fact that we’re not kids anymore. They make city life existentially different—I’d argue, better.

Max just turned 4, so we’re at that cutoff year. Although I still love it here, sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it when we can’t do many of the things we used to enjoy. Max is a rambunctious dining companion, limiting us to restaurants with counter service and floor drains. We let our SFMOMA membership lapse after his sweet coos prompted a man to remark, “I could do without the baby soundtrack.” Forget plays or readings. The current babysitting rate of $18 an hour brings the cost of a movie to well over $100, making mediocre films infuriating. While the city boasts museums geared for kids, many are absurdly expensive. Three tickets to the Academy of Sciences cost $80. A Curious George-themed birthday party at the Discovery Museum costs $980. They say that George himself will make a visit. I should hope so.

Thanks to Max, I get to revisit the best parts of my childhood, and I remember how alive and curious I felt. For his fourth birthday, he asked for a net, and we took him to test it at the tide pools at Moss Beach. While he was disappointed that he didn’t catch any shrimp for dinner, the hermit crabs, starfish, and finger-clutching anemones made up for it. On the way home, we stopped for shrimp over vermicelli at a Vietnamese hole-in-the-wall in the Sunset, where no one minded his enthusiastic table manners.

“I want to go back to the Mission,” he pleaded on a trip to Lake Tahoe last winter, convinced that the snow was dirty because the Snowcat that brought us to our lodge resembled a bulldozer, and bulldozers move dirt on Bob the Builder. I know how he feels. Like Max, I’m homesick when I leave. Coming back to the row houses resembling pastel paper cutouts and the fog blowing in over Twin Peaks, I feel restored.

When we first moved into our building, I was hugely pregnant, and a woman upstairs left home-baked treats outside our door. After Max was born, she knit him a hat with cat ears, and she and her husband offered errand-length childcare. A year later, another couple with a baby moved in across the hall, and we all became friends, gathering for impromptu potluck dinners. It’s communal in the best way. Now our upstairs neighbor is about to have a baby, and Max can’t stop talking about how excited he is.

“I’m going to be like Ando’s big brother,” he told me. “I’m going to show him our city.”

And we’re going to stay and make that possible.

Malena Watrous is a Stanford writing instructor and the author of last year’s If You Follow Me (Harper Perennial). She is currently at work on a second novel.

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By Belstaff lederjacke (not verified) on February 29, 2012

I loved your article. I too, am a native San Franciscan. I grew up in Eureka Valley in the 60's and 70's .. graduated from Bridgemont High on California st in 1979.. Unfortunately I was the one to leave in the mid 80's to find a more affordable place to live. I chose Las Vegas. Then my parents followed. The first few years were fine but after awhile we all realized what a huge mistage leaving SF was. Not only would we not be able to recapture that great city life, but for me, I wouldnt be able to find affordable housing... So, someday I may return to stay. I come often as I still have friends here. It will always be my hometown. Thankful that i and my 2 sisters had the greatest childhood ever....oh, and as far as your first flasher in Golden Gate Park.. Mine was my first drag queen standing outside the Pendulem Bar on 18th and Castro. I was about 12 walking with some of my Holy Redeemer school chums in our uniforms, and he lifted his skirt to show me his jockstrap! nearly 40 yrs later, I still see his face AND his undergear! Great memories!

By Anthony (not verified) on February 06, 2012

Fantastic article about a uniquely fantastic city. I'd argue that SF, in particular, demands the presence of children, just as any great city with innovation and creativity at its heart must. Thank you for this well-stated piece!

By Liza (not verified) on October 07, 2011

Great Article! Although our city isn't SF, many can make the same argument for living in Los Angeles.
We left L.A. shortly after our first son was born convinced that the city was no place to raise a child. What with all of the congestion, high rent prices, and poor performing public schools...No way!
Then we moved out of state to the burbs. We bought a large house on a cul-de-sac. How perfect is that? Except that it was too perfect. Very homogeneous. After a few years we dediced that no matter how bad traffic was and how expensive it was, we had to come back to the city. Our little apartment costs the same as our "big house" mortgage and we have to spend wisely because we now have to pay for private school. But that's okay.

Taking the long way home from downtown one day we passed through Chinatown, Koreatown, El Savador-town and Little Ethiopia. We live a few miles from the beach and have the best time exploring our own neighborhood. We hope we made the right decision. But I think happy parents make happy kids.

By Lynette (not verified) on October 06, 2011

Depressingly, a few of the comments above that cities are not for children are typical in S.F. Having spent time in major cities across the world from Paris to Saigon, where children are supported by community and local government, this view is unique to The City. What kind of people dismiss children as an integral part of their society?

By Paulo (not verified) on October 05, 2011

Family passes for many museums in San Francisco are available from our own public libraries. You can check them out for a week at a time.

By Anonymous (not verified) on October 05, 2011

The promise of poor performing public schools when your first kid turns 5 is largely a self-fulfilling prophesy. If parents who value education would keep their kids invested in the SFUD then expectations, not only of the teachers and administrators, but of their children's peers would be raised. Better performance would follow.

By S.A (not verified) on October 05, 2011

Thank you for a great essay. I'm a native San Franciscan who moved to NYC for several years and came back because this is where I wanted to raise a family. My kids are in a public K-8 that we love and we're hoping that the same will hold true for public h.s. when the time comes.

For anyone who's interested, the SF Parent PAC is hosting their first Mayoral Candidate Forum next Tuesday, October 11th. Here are the details:

In the last election cycle, we successfully endorsed two school board candidates. This year, we are focusing on another strategy. We want every candidate for mayor to hear our voices and understand what it will take to make SF the best place to raise kids and have families. With that in mind, we are hosting the first Mayoral Candidate Forum focused on our issues.

Please come to hear how each candidate understands your needs and his/her ideas regarding this City and family issues.
Tuesday October 11th from 6:30 to 8:30
Sherith Israel at 2266 California Street
Moderated by Steve Symanovich and Gabe Metcalf

Sponsored by The SF Parent Political Action Committee, Parents For Public
Schools, SF Family Support Network, Teach for America and Congregation
Sherith Israel.

Refreshments, Childcare, and Interpretation Services will be provided. Please rsvp for childcare.

Read more on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=213634342032302 and rsvp to Oct11CandidatesForum@gmail.com.

After the Summit, irrespective of who wins, we will continue to hold the new mayor accountable to the concepts raised in the Summit. More importantly, we will make our voices heard as issues arise. Become a member of the PAC today: http://sfparentpac.com/membership/

By Deborah (not verified) on October 05, 2011

We also made a move out of the city when our kids were 3 and 4. We're now in the east bay, in a school system that will work for us through high school. If the school system was less of a risk, we'd likely have stayed crunched together in our tiny apartment and enjoyed life in the city

And to the childless resident who posted: This isn't about "deserving" special treatment for families. This is about ensuring diversity in a city that we all love.

By Anonymous (not verified) on October 05, 2011

City's aren't made for kids. If you can't afford it, move to Marin.

Just don't move to Petaluma... that place is a little too kid friendly.

By Darren Story (not verified) on October 05, 2011

We had to make the jump to Marin as our oldest approached preschool and it truly angered me - they are literally kicking the middle class families out of San Francisco with their antiquated lottery system. Its heartbreaking. And while its easy enough to pop across the bridge to get our 'fix', I miss my morning walks along Clement, sampling dim sum shops as we went, quiet foggy mornings in the park, pushing a double stroller up the steeps and the vibrancy of the commercial cores. I just hope we are able to supplement the homogeny of Marin with frequent cultural trips into our first city of choice.

By anonymous (not verified) on October 05, 2011

As a childless resident of San Francisco, I'd like to offer a different perspective. While I agree that cities have much to offer children in terms of education and personal growth, I do not believe that cities somehow owe those who have chosen to breed "affordable" or "family friendly" options. Families are no more entitled to discounted museum tickets than they are to airplane pre-boarding or designated parking spaces.

By Anonymous (not verified) on October 05, 2011

Awesome article. I grew up here, too and hate the idea of not being able to afford a baby and live in my dream city. You captured it perfectly. Thank you.

By Julian (not verified) on October 05, 2011

Radical article, my hair stood on end. You captured it. I always say there is a certain breed of people who cannot leave San Francisco. They can't survive, nothing compares. I'm a third generation San Franciscan that left 3 years ago to raise my kids in the South Bay. The other day we were driving down Oak street to the sunset and my son said, "Mama, the trees and the buildings, together they are so beautiful." It stung my heart that rolling down Oak Street isn't a part of his every day life.

I often wonder if we made the right decision by leaving? Then I remember my own public school experiences that fueled the decision. How many fist fights I got in a week to protect myself? How many joints and flasks of vodka I was handed before 7th grade? How all the kids that I went to school with ended up? Many are not alive now. I wish I was being dramatic but it's true. More than a handful of kids I went to elementary and middle school did not make it out of high school.

Even with all that I still might claw my way back to the city. I am pretty sure I'm part of that breed that can't leave the city.