I hear a lot about SF guys being unable to commit to a longterm relationship, but I’m having trouble finding one who can simply commit to a date! Whether I meet the guy through friends, while out on the town or online, what I’ve been finding are a lot of men who are GOP (great on paper)—educated, career-minded—but who flake like dandruff. Last Sunday a guy showed up for brunch an hour late, in his workout clothes and covered in sweat (all to "train for a 5k"). Other guys have FOMO (fear of missing out) and never commit to a time or place, just in case something else comes up. My girlfriends and I sometimes swap and forward these guys’ hilarious messages. Here’s one thread:
Lame-o: "When do I get to see you next?"
Lame-o: "Well, I can't this weekend. Maybe some other time?"
Me: "Oh, ok."
Lame-o: "Ok, bye."
Any advice on how to find an SF guy who can show up to a real date?
He Said: Well, here’s the sad reality many women don’t want to hear. “The good ones are taken” has a fair amount of truth in it. Men who want and are able to maintain a relationship often already have one, and so the dating seas are awash with players, passive types, men distracted to the point of ADD by their work/social options, and—sadly—some slowly sinking wrecks.
Now for the good news: San Francisco is a very transient town, so there’s always a constant flow of new people to date. Switch it up: Hang out in venues that actually require a commitment of time and money—classes, concerts and the like —as opposed to casual parties and bars. Try dating a few guys who don’t fit your usual type. Also, try dating divorced men. Their marriage may not have worked out, but a man who’s made it to the altar can usually stick to a date. It only takes one or two to fill up your dating calendar.
She Said: Hilarious is right. But your response to Lame-o’s text is just as lame! I’m about to go all Dr. Phil on you, if that’s okay: You teach people how to treat you. “Whenever” sounds just as uncommital as “some other time.” Why didn’t you say, “I’m free Sunday night, or next Tuesday. Let me know if either works.” Better yet, say, “You get to see me after you call me up with a plan.”
And why on earth did you wait around for an hour for marathon boy? You should have gotten up and left the restaurant after 15 minutes, and if he got in touch to ask why, you should have told him you don’t wait around for hours for your dates.
True, you should put yourself in situations where the men tend to have already proven they have the ability to do what they say they are going to do. But you should also set up and enforce some boundaries about how much male ineptness you are willing to tolerate to go on a date. Most gals I know would rather be at home with Showtime and a chilled glass of Chardonnay than put up with guys like Lame-o. Think about it. You may spend a little more time alone, but if SF women all got on board with some boundaries and self-respect, eventually Lame-o and his tribe would learn their lessons the hard way, and everyone would benefit.
photo: Flickr/Joe Marinaro
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