Two Sense: How Do I Change Up My Sexual Routine?


How do I go about changing up my sexual routine with my boyfriend? What we're doing used to work for me, but after two years it's become a little stale. I want a few basic changes, like I want to get on top more often, for instance. I've gone along with the way we do it for a while even though I've been wanting to change it simply because I don't want my BF to feel criticized. I also haven't had a lot of luck in past relationships when I try to initiate some kind of sexual change, so I'm a little gun shy about speaking up. Help.

He Said: Here's where gay men have an advantage. On the online hookup sites, everything is spelled out in neat categories: Top, bottom, versatile. Do you like three-ways? There a checkbox for that! Monogamy, anonymity? Those options are there, too. Of course when the guy actually shows up at your door, well, that's when things tend to get more complicated than a digital form might indicate.

For everyone else, good old conversation is the key. Sounds like your communication could use some work, at least about all things sexual. It's always a good idea to start by posing questions rather than by making assertions: How is he feeling about your sex life? If he could improve something about your sex life, what would it be? Does he have fantasies he's comfortable sharing and even maybe trying out? If he's a sensitive guy at all, he'll return the favor by asking you similar questions. After all, sex is as much a negotiation as it a physical act.

She Said: Communication is indeed necessary. It sounds like you’re afraid to bring it up because you’ve experienced a man taking it the wrong way, or hearing you but then failing to deliver on your requests. That doesn’t mean your boyfriend will flounder as well. He may love to hear your ideas and give them a try. I can’t think of too many guys who would be overly bothered by a woman saying, “I’d really love to get on top of you more often.” Just remember to precede your requests with praise: “The way you touch me down there is so good, I need 10 minutes more of it.” “I love how you kiss. Let’s kiss longer before we get naked.” While it sounds trite, it really does soften a guy up to hear your request when it’s framed as though he’s already doing a good job.

Secondly, if words fail, remember that actions probably won’t. If you want to get on top, what are you waiting for? If you want more kissing, then kiss him. If you want him to go down on you, push on his head. Guys do it all the time! And most guys would likely welcome the chance to stop directing everything for a minute and let the woman lead the way.

Lastly, remember this wise maxim: It’s better to ask forgiveness than permission. Create the experience you want in bed. Be bold. Maybe he’ll love it, but if he doesn’t, then he can bring it up and you two can work out a compromise.

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