Two Sense: What to Do With a Partner Who Wants It More Often Than You


After more than two decades of dating in SF (and, I admit, often being a dog about it), I scored a jackpot: a sexy, smart, athletic, sweet woman a lot younger than me who loves my friends and family and adores me. But once she moved in, I discovered something I'd never anticipated: a woman who wants to screw more than I do. I love her, and the sex is great, but every time she approaches me I'm like, "Didn't we just do that?" I'm sure this is our age difference showing. I can keep up for now, but I'm worried about the long-term diagnosis here.

He Said: This falls under the category of "Be careful what you wish for." It sounds an awful lot like you created over the years an objectifying fantasy of a younger woman that was in some ways based on the fact that, for most of your adult life, you couldn’t quite obtain it. In fact, its un-obtainability was, in part, driving your libido. Now that you’re living your fantasy, you find that it's not quite the anticipated constant turn-on, that the "jackpot" is actually a human being with real human needs, consistent with her age and place in the world. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that you’re now wishing for a woman who is more your equal in maturity, sex drive, career, and all the other things you spent years ignoring in your pursuit of your fantasy. Instead, it's time to deal with reality. When you're uninspired toward more sex because you "just did it," gently turn her down and initiate some other fun activity. If that doesn't work, have an honest talk with her about your age and physiological differences. While the age factor is a potential threat, time is also on your side, because eventually all relationships simmer down sexually—and if she doesn't simmer down by the time you're joining AARP, there's always Viagra.

She Said: As Muriel's dad so knowingly says in the cinematic masterpiece Muriel's Wedding, "You reap what you sow." But don’t fear. All you need to do now is figure out what lessons your harvest holds. And the first lessons starts with a C and ends with an S. That’s right, it's time for you to master the art of cunnilingus, the perfect solution when your hot young girlfriend comes begging for a second round, and your middle-aged nether parts need a break. Figure out how to get her off with just your fingers as well (read Nicole Daedone’s Slow Sex for pointers). And there are also lots of sex toys on the market you can employ. I can almost guarantee, for instance, that if you buy a Hitachi Magic Wand and put it to use, she'll come begging just a little bit less. That thing is like the Hoover of female orgasm; nothing stands in its way. Then again, your girlfriend may sometimes be using sex as a way of obtaining connection. Hugs, kisses, eye contact, hand holding, and genuine attention could suffice to keep her happy between copulation sessions. If you're sensing a karmic message here, you're right. You chased feminine sexuality for 20 years. Now that it's "yours," you need to learn what to do with it.

“He” is Chris Bull, author of seven books, editorial director of and cofounder of

“She” is Robin Rinaldi, 7x7’s former executive editor, currently at work on a memoir titled  The Wild Oats Project.

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