A couple of years ago I hooked up with and dated a cute, sexy, and smart girl who seemed really cool at first but over time started some nasty fights with me, so I stopped going out with her. Recently I heard that a friend of mine is dating her and it sounds serious. I’m torn about telling him that I dated her. On the one hand it’s none of my business whom he dates, but on the other what do I say if he introduces me to her? I’m also worried because she might drop my name during a fight with him in a way that would make it hard for he and I to remain friends.
My ex-girlfriend (from about three years ago) recently got married. I'm happy she found someone and was proud to attend their wedding. All through their dating and engagement, she and I saw each other socially—we haven't slept together since our breakup—about once a week and we intend to continue seeing each other. Unfortunately, her husband has an issue with this. Although I’ve tried to meet him for lunch and drinks a few times, he’s always found an excuse to be somewhere else. I've never been a threat to him; how do we deal with his problem?
He Said: You deal with his problem by respecting their marriage and honoring his concerns even if you don’t feel they’re valid. You may not be a sexual threat to this guy, but you continue to be intimate with his wife and that may need to change drastically. How much it needs to change depends on your relationship with your friend. Imagine she has a problem with her husband; if she would seriously consider coming to you to discuss it, then you have an outdated and inappropriate relationship with her.
This scenario has happened to me and several other smart, cool, normal women I know. You date, cautiously at first. But the guy is all about it. He pushes to see you, says serious things. Then, out of the blue, he runs away. I know it’s his innate fear-of-commitment, must-spread-my-seed caveman crap, but how do I avoid it in the future? A girl can’t tread carefully forever.
When my wife comes home, the dog gets a hug, kisses, and baby talk, while I get a peck on the cheek and a no-nonsense attitude. I’m not saying she should toss on an apron and bring me a drink, but can a guy get a little love at the end of a long day?
He Said: First off, drop the dog comparison. Your wife has fewer expectations from Fido.
Q: I met a guy on OKCupid. We’ve IMed, and he’s asked me out, which is all fine. But I can’t Google him, and he’s not on Facebook or even on LinkedIn. I notice I feel uncomfortable about going out with him. Am I crazy? I don’t think he’s a serial killer or anything but even my 76-year-old Cincinnati grandmother shows up on a Google search these days!
My best friend, who's 33 and in a stable relationship with a great guy, just told me she sometimes “forgets” to take her birth control pill but isn't telling her boyfriend. She says she'll be fine if she gets pregnant; that she doesn’t need to have the boyfriend involved with raising any child, though she'd hope he would. I'm kind of shocked. Is this common, or is she totally selfish?
He Said: Regardless of how common it is to be casual about birth control, if one partner is trusting the other to be honest, and they aren’t, it’s selfish. While life slips us many surprises as we go along, it’s not fair to give happenstance a helping hand when the outcome will affect someone else.
As a gay man, I’ve noticed that a lot of the younger guys have started bringing their gal pals along to clubs. At Trigger some nights, there are as many straight girls as gay guys. That’s fine, but it can also be a “c*ck block.” Guys don’t hook up for fear of abandoning their pals. Also, more straight guys have been showing up, swift on the tail of the cute girls. Mistaking a straight guy for gay is a real mood killer. What to do?
I’m a 40-year-old woman contemplating a boob job, but every guy I know seems to respond negatively to the idea, saying fake boobs feel terrible. Are breast implants a turn-on or turn-off?
He Said: Guys are most attracted to women who feel good about themselves, especially as they get older. A hot, young chick can be surly, depressed, boring, untrustworthy, or annoying and still have guys trailing after her. But women and men attract the partner they deserve as the years go by. The real question is not what will your guy friends think, but how will you feel if your breasts are firmer, possibly larger, but probably less sensitive? The statistics say that most women are glad they had work done, so that’s encouraging.
I'm a successful, moderately good-looking guy, in great shape, good personality (or so I'm told), single and alone in this city. I am in my early 40s but look 10 years younger and every one of my friends gives me the "how are you still single?" routine. I'm somewhat new to the city, and I think I'm in the wrong venues: Bars/nightclubs just aren't doing it. I don't want a one-night stand, temporary fix, or "hipster life." I want substance, support, conversation, debate, challenges and an honest-to-god connection. If you know the secret spots in the city where I should be going, or things I should be doing, please give me a heads up? I'm trying my best to make the so-called "horrible dating scene" in SF better, but I'm just not having any luck. —SF Bachelor
I’m a 33-year-old, confident single gal who often dishes out dating advice to my friends. Over the past six months I’ve developed a friendship with "Mr. M,” 12 years my senior, and it became evident that we share amazing chemistry. I’m extremely attracted to him. Trouble is, I want to be in a committed relationship. Mr. M’s divorce ended badly, and he clearly harbors bitterness towards marriage; he also admits to having issues with even non-marital commitments. But he’s extremely fun to be around and we always have a wonderful time. On two separate occasions, after a long evening of dinner, wine and flowing conversation, we hooked up. I realize he can’t offer the relationship I want, so am I playing with fire by sleeping with him? By crossing that line have I pigeoned-holed us as "friends with benefits"? I thought I was long over my attraction to unavailable men. I am open to meeting and dating someone else. but I have such a weakness for Mr. M. Am I doomed?
Essential SF knowledge in your inbox
Sign up for our email newsletters to keep up on events, restaurants and SF haps.