I am engaged to a woman 15 years my junior. She's smart, pretty, and loyal. We have created a solid relationship based on shared interests, communication, and trust. But for some time, I've enjoyed the company of a wide range of women, especially when I travel. This company often involves sex, though not always. It has become part of my identity as a man, and I don’t want to entirely give it up. It brings me great joy and a constant sense of adventure, which is important as I'm nearing 40. My problem is that I can't tell my girlfriend. She simply is not mature enough to understand that lifelong monogamy is just not right for everyone. She would leave me for sure, which would devastate me. But on the other hand, I feel like I'm violating the sense of trust that we have developed. What should I do?
My friend recently invited me to a weekend course called "How to Train Your Man," put on by some local group that says I can get my boyfriend to basically do whatever I want him to if I learn their tricks. Here's the problem. I want to do it! If it worked, it would be well worth the cost of the workshop, even if I just got him to do dishes, pick up his clothes, and lend a little more romance. But I feel morally challenged just by the title of the workshop. Should I really be training my partner like a puppy?
I am a 26-year-old straight woman living in SF. My roommate is a gay man, around my age, and a really sweet guy. I treasure him and his friendship. But I am worried about his emotional state. He is very vulnerable right now. Even though he lives in the gay capital of the world, there is some part of him that can't accept his sexual orientation, which makes it hard for him to date seriously. He tends to indulge in a series of "hookups" but nothing more substantial develops. (I sometimes hear him kicking them out in the middle of the night.) He grew up in an anti-gay religious household, and even though he knows intellectually that his parents' ideas are hateful and absurd, I know he feels unlovable because they never fully accepted him. What should I do?
My new girlfriend is somewhat of a Facebook fiend. Every place we go, she "checks in" and tags me. Once there, she takes photos and posts them. She posts to my wall every few days and now, after three months of dating, she wants me to change my status to "in a relationship" with her. I check Facebook maybe once a week and I don't like living my life online, broadcasting my every move and my intimate relationships. My friends are teasing me about how often I'm showing up in their newsfeeds since I met her, and I'm a little embarrassed. How do I broach this subject with her?
I’m a 39-year-old woman and I don’t think I’ve ever had sex completely sober. Not that I’m drunk when I do it—I rarely get drunk—but I always at least have one glass of wine, and often two. Now that I’m in a serious relationship for the past six months or so, I realize that it actually scares me to have sex sober. I don’t feel dependent on alcohol in general and I don’t drink every day. What should I do?
Everyone I know assumes that lesbians are hot for monogamy, but all I want to do is play around. I’m in my early 30s and nowhere near ready to settle down. I get so much grief from my circle of lesbian friends about this, or when I meet a new woman and she asks my “relationship history.” At this age, I feel I deserve the same right to casual sex that gay men—and for that matter, straight single women—do, but my circle of women isn’t buying it. Don’t’ get me wrong, there are always ladies ready to hook up late at night, but it is not acceptable to openly talk about it, never mind celebrate it like the guys do. I spent the first 20 years of my life pretending to be straight, and now I feel I have to pretend to be monogamous. Help.
This is brutally honest, but I’ve always had trouble trusting beautiful women. I just can’t seem to get over the fact that their options are too numerous. The result is that I’m with a cute, smart, wonderful gal, but—well, she’s just not that hot. I love her but her looks don’t turn me on as much as I wish they did. I know I’ve made this bed so I should just lay in it. But how do I keep myself from looking at other, hotter women and wondering "What if...?"
My boyfriend and I both had painful, messy divorces from our previous partners. About a year ago, my ex-husband contacted me out of the blue. He was passing through town and wanted to get together for dinner. When I mentioned this to my boyfriend, he reminded me of how awful my marriage had been and strongly advised me against it. I told my ex I was unavailable. Recently he contacted me again, will be in SF and wanted to have dinner. I’ve forgiven him for being a jerk, realized my part in our failures and would like to see him, but I don’t know how to broach the subject again with my boyfriend. Any suggestions?
I’m 35, never had an orgasm and honestly, I don’t care if I ever do. Maybe I don’t know what I’m missing, but I’m happy—I have my dream job, good friends, lots of hobbies and passions, and a wonderful, loving partner. Our sex feels good physically and emotionally and I don’t feel frustrated or unsatisfied afterward. To me, sex is like life—it’s about the journey, not the destination. But other people make such a big deal about orgasm that I wonder if something’s wrong with me.
This isn't question, it's a rant. I've had it. I came to San Francisco 10 years ago at age 25 for its progressive values and adventures, believing that eventually I would settle down and enter the next phase of adult life—the one that follows youthful adventure—with a partner who wanted a family. Ten years later, I'm tired, lonely, and sick of the surface-level hookups, three-date encounters, and last-minute texting that fall under the rubric of "relationships" in this town. I've come to the conclusion that San Francisco really is over the edge, that its values are awry. Everyone's in their own little bubble, worried about their personal development, their dozens of hobbies, their "crazy busy" social calendars. They're missing the deeper meaning of life: love, commitment, family.
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