Worst Summer Movie Lineup <i>Ever</i>


courtesy of Warner Brothers Entertainment

Whatever Happened To Radical Chic & The Summer Of Cinematic Love?

Sent From: Murphy Hooker’s Wireless Handheld Device (3:58 a.m.) 8/19/2007

Greetings and salutations* from the rhinestone-covered Brass Balls Casino in Reno, Nevada where (three hours ago) a “Riverboat Gambling Poppa H” had the cheeky audacity to go “all in with a pair of deuces” during the final hand of a high stakes celebrity poker tournament, which pitted the Cinematic Master of Disaster against three of his favorite Speeded-Out Actors from the 1970s, and an overzealous Nevada Boxing Commissioner.

The Mutant Celebrities: Gary Busey, Nick Nolte and Kris Kristofferson, the high stakes: a jacuzzi shaped like the state of Texas once owned by John Wayne. Lest the outcome be in question, Poppa’s soaking in John Wayne’s Jacuzzified Butt Crease right now ...  in your face “Biggest Little City In The World.”

Worst Summer Movie Lineup Ever
And now for something completely different …* Seeing as we’re coming to the end of August, am I the only film geek who’s noticed the movie going public hasn’t busted a cinematic nut all summer long? No good “adult movies” come around no-mo, why not?  It’s a modern phenomenon my agent calls Hollywood Blue Balls, which is brought on by repeated exposure to Jerry Lewis Film Festivals or steady streams of cinematic sewage coming from local movieplexes. Perhaps you’ve smelt the stench? You’re not alone … Repeat after me film geeks: worst summer movie lineup ever

Ten years ago, mainstream summer movies like Heat, Trainspotting, Casino and The Usual Suspects at least gave fanboy wankers around the world something to wank on about until school started in the Fall. Now we’ve got … John Travolta in drag and a Cartoon Rat. What gives Studio Heads? When did the movie-house turn into the shithouse and when did the shithouse go up in flames?  

With all the might and cinematic force of a million Transformers, with all the God-like CGI power at their sweaty fingertips, what did the top chefs over at the Hollywood Cantina bring to the summer picnic? Warmed over Spider Stew, Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, Shrek 3, Hostel 2, Harry Potter 8, Fantastic 4: Part 2, Ocean’s Eleven 3 and Kickin it Old School 1… Nice lineup boys, real original, I think I’m going to throw up in my potato salad now …

If you’re still not convinced, try comparing this summer’s movies to some of the flicks humbly flickering on the big screen back in 1967 then tell me how you like them apples? ...*

courtesy of Warner Brothers Entertainment

1967 Summer Of Cinematic Love Lineup
•    Bonnie And Clyde – Dir. Penn
•    The Graduate – Dir. Nichols 
•    Cool Hand Luke – Dir. Rosenberg
•    The Dirty Dozen –Dir. Aldrich
•    Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner? – Dir. Kramer
•    Casino Royale – Dir. Scorsese
•    In Cold Blood –Dir. Brooks
•    Point Blank – Dir. Boorman
•    The President’s Analyst – Dir. Flicker
•    The Fearless Vampire Killers – Dir. Polanski

Whatever Happened To Radical Chic?
Not a bad-looking lineup for a bunch of 40 year olds, right? 

So what can we do about our modern quandary, but take a soak while celebrating the 40th anniversary of Bonnie and Clyde, which for the cinematic dilettantes in the balcony, was the groundbreaking film of the late ‘60s that shot a million bullet holes through the movie industry’s idea of itself. Bonnie and Clyde challenged the way we see movies by putting the high-octane comedy-violence genre on the map for good (see the collected works of Quentin Tarantino). It also marked the beginning of the short-lived Radical Chic Trend that (unless you count Angelina Jolie) seems to have fizzled out over the last forty years …

courtesy of Warner Brothers Entertainment

Arthur Penn’s bloody masterpiece was such a controversy, both The New York Times and Time Magazine initially slammed it’s savage blend of comic-violence and stylish swagger then (inexplicably) reversed field with Time actually going so far as to put Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway on cover with the headline: The New Cinema: Violence … Sex … Art.  Jump Cut to forty years later and what do we see on the big screen? Violence … Sex … Fart.

While I turn the heat down in my new Jacuzzi (and weep for the future), I suggest you rent some films from the real Summer of Cinematic Love then while away the rest of August in a hammock daydreaming of the day when we’ll finally see a cinematic revolution ‘round these parts.  It’s coming, just you wait … I think, like, Michael Bay or Brett Ratner is organizing it …

Until next week, this is Poppa H signing off, be bad and get into trouble baby ... *

Busey, Nolte, Kristofferson DVD Picks To Click
•    Thunderbolt and Lightfoot (1974) Dir. Cimino – Garey Busey as Curly
•    North Dallas Forty (1979) Dir. Kotcheff – Nick Nolte as Phil Elliott
•    Cisco Pike (1972) Dir. Norton – Kris Kristofferson as Cisco Pike

Happenings Round Town
•    Fri. (8/17 to 8/23) – Les Doulos (1962) – Dir. Melville (Castro)
•    Fri. (8/24 to 8/30) – Metropolis (1927) – Dir. Lang (Castro)
•    Sat. (8/25) 8 ½ (1963) Dir. Fellini – Washington Square Park
•    Rescue Dawn (2007) Dir. Herzog – Opera Plaza
•    The Simpsons Movie (2007) Dir. Silverman – Everywhere
•    Rocket Science (2007) Dir. Blitz – Embarcadero
•    2 Days In Paris (2007) Dir. Delpy - Embarcadero

Volume 26 Footnotes*
•    “Greetings and salutations.” – Heathers (1991): Christian Slater doing his best Nicholson impersonation to a monacle-lovin’ Winona Ryder.
•    “And now for something completely different.” And Now For Something Completely Different (1971): John Cleese’s legendary sketch transition from Monty’s Python’s Flying Circus.
•    “How do you like them apples?” (1997) Good Will Hunting – A cocky Matt Damon shows off Minnie Driver’s digits to a Harvard jerk off.
•    “Let’s get into trouble baby.” – Tapeheads (1988): Soul Train host Don Cornelius (as Hollywood Producer Mo Fuzz) to upstart filmmakers Tim Robbins and John Cusack.
Show Comments ()

Related Articles


Follow Us On