By: The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now. Things have been great between us up to this point, but lately he’s stopped climaxing when we have sex. That was never a problem in the past. He’s no quick trigger, but he hasn’t had a problem getting off before. Should I be offended? Eventually he apologizes and just stops going at it. This has been going on for a few weeks and it makes me wonder if he’s taking care of himself too much, has a medical condition, is sleeping with someone else, or just generally isn’t interested. Any words of wisdom? This is new ground for me.—SD, San Francisco, California

The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown

Hmm. This is new ground for me too. Has he been hitting the Jack Daniels bottle before you have sex? I’m guessing not, so there’s probably something else going on. I don’t think you should be offended—the fact that you’re still having sex is a good sign. If he was sleeping with someone else, he’d probably come up with a bunch of excuses not to have sex with you, so it doesn’t sound like the issue is your desirability.

You know that thing that happens when you’re trying to go to sleep but you can’t? The thing where you think about sleeping so much that the worry actually prevents you from falling asleep? That could be happening here. He may be thinking and worrying so hard about actually finishing the job that he just can’t finish.

Maybe that’s because of some stress that he hasn’t shared with you. Job changes? Family problems? Money woes? Maybe he’s gained some weight or lost some hair and is self-conscious? It could be anything, so I think you just need to ask if everything’s okay and take it from there.

BUT, (there’s always a “but” isn’t there?) I would say this: it may sound crazy, but not having an orgasm every time you have sex isn’t the worst thing in the world. Everybody gets so focused on that as the final goal, sometimes it just adds a lot of unnecessary pressure. Try just focusing on the intimacy and the fun of it all and see if that takes the pressure off.

Oh god, did I really just say that? I’m such a girl.

Check in tomorrow to read the gay man’s perspective by Darren Maddox.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.