From a man’s point of view, how long should I stay at his place after a casual hookup or one-night stand? What goes through his head if I get up and go right away versus wait an hour or so versus leave in the morning? Does it actually matter?

He Said: When we first meet someone, most of the communication we believe we get from the other person is actually our own projection of what we hope for or fear. So use that to your advantage. Unless you’ve mentioned how much the guy owes you for your tryst—or conversely, speculated out loud what your future children would look like—it’s rare for a guy to correctly read your intentions during an initial hookup.

Knowing that, how long you stay after sex can be a more memorable message to him than most of the conversation you had during the evening: The longer you stay, the more interest (and, to some guys, pressure) you show for another get-together. If you don’t want to see him again, leave soon after sex. Conversely, if you two really spark and he asks you to stay for breakfast, then, of course, do. But if you aren’t sure whether you want to see him again, stay long enough to finish your post-coital chat, and as he’s drifting off to sleep, slip out. He won’t know how to read that, will add his own projections and—since most guys worth having love the chase—will likely contact you later, giving you the option to accept or decline his advance.

She Said: Well, you asked for a man’s point of view, and you got what is pretty good advice from that angle. But what interests me is that you seem so concerned with how you’re being perceived, especially since you’ve already qualified the encounter as a casual hookup. It seems like a no-brainer. If you want to leave immediately after sex, you’re certainly entitled to do that. If you want to stay—say you’re exhausted, or he’s got a really comfy bed and 500 channels of HD—then simply get up and leave upon waking. If you’re really concerned with his comfort level, just ask him: “So, honestly, would you prefer I leave or stay?” He’ll surely remember that kind of frank, friendly style from a woman. Who knows? Maybe you’ll even make a friend.

He is a novelist who’s had one marriage, two live-in relationships, 10 girlfriends and one very wise therapist.
She is an SF health journalist who’s been married, single, communal and bi-curious and has studied tantra and orgasm—for research purposes, of course.

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