by The 4-Way Panel
Dear 4-Way,
I just met a man I feel like I’ve really connected with, and got the sense that he has really connected with me as well: physically, emotionally and intellectually. However, after our fourth date (in the course of three weeks) he told me that he reconnected with an old relationship and, as a result, has cooled off toward me. The thing is, even though we haven’t had sex, he tells me he really enjoys the closeness we’ve shared and wants to continue seeing me. The woman in question lives in Europe and it would mean a long-distance relationship. I, however, live in the same town and can actually participate in a non-virtual relationship. I’m torn because I like him, but need to pull back emotionally because I don’t want to get hurt. I admit that I’m also hopeful that he’ll realize a long-distance relationship isn’t going to be practical and he’ll rekindle what got started when we first met. He’s being very honest with me—which I appreciate—and we’re both around 40, so there is a certain level of maturity here. I think I need to move on, but I’d also like to hold out to see if he’ll be available. Thoughts?–JG 
Oh man, I love the contradictions. He says he’s cooled towards you, but wants to keep seeing you. He values your closeness, a trait he’s showing means a lot to him considering he’s fallen for a woman … in Europe!
His explanations are about as clear as the London fog—as meandering as the Venice canals. They hold as much water as the Moroccan desert.
Nonetheless, it’s apparent there’s something he’s not getting from you. In plain English, ask him what that is. If you can give it to him, do. If not, don’t. But I’m assuming it won’t matter.
You’re right about your instinct; you do need to pull back emotionally—way back—maybe as far as Europe. He’ll probably want to rekindle with you then.
I give him credit for being honest with you. He could be seeing and emailing this woman in Europe without telling you—which tells me he wants you to back off. So do that. He’s around 40, so I’m assuming he’s familiar with the idea that long-distance relationships are a challenge. You don’t need to hope he’ll realize this. He does. Eventually, he or the European woman will have to hop across the pond to take it to another level. Either way, that timeline is not for you to set.
In the meantime, put yourself back out there. I’m confident you’ll find someone who wants his mate to actually live in the same country as he does. Probably even the same town. You’ll find it easier to feel close to them.
This is America, after all. Remember, Uncle Sam wants you!
Check in tomorrow for the gay woman's perspective by Jody Fischer.
The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.
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