by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

For the past few years, I’ve been seeing someone who is married. I know it’s wrong. He knows it’s wrong. But it happened and now we can’t control it. Once in a while, I get the “I’m going to leave her” comment from him. I know that’s never going to happen and that he’s just saying that to humor me. So here’s my question: what am I thinking? I’m wasting my life away hung up on someone who’s unavailable, yet I can’t seem to break the cycle or escape the feelings I have. What do I do?—DJ

The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer 

Breaking habits and patterns in our lives is one of the absolute hardest things to do. If we could, anyone who compulsively drank, smoked, used illegal drugs, or expressed addictive behaviors would just "poof" and STOP. Take some comfort in the fact that you are not alone in trying to break a cycle. So, what works? Here are some options:

You certainly could join a co-dependant anonymous group to get some support from others, or talk to a counselor one-on-one.

That’s a valid option to check out, but for me, I need to delve into my psyche and really look at how and why I keep repeating a self-destructive pattern. Of course, the feelings you have for this married man are real, but my guess is that you have fallen for unavailable men before. Why is that? How many times has it happened before? What happens when a guy who is actually available shows interest in you?

The most important question I ask myself when I feel stuck in a cycle is what is that behavior giving me? In your case, how does this man make you feel? Once you can identify that, ask yourself what other ways are there for you to find this feeling within yourself? Right now, you think he is giving you something that you can’t get/feel anywhere else. I promise you, my dear, that you can feel happy and complete without this guy. In fact, you can feel even happier. Start by believing that you have options and then act on them.

Check in tomorrow to read the straight man's perspective by Chris Kennedy.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.