One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest; courtesy of United Artists

Artists unite at the UA Film Fest

Greetings and salutations* movie nuts …

If you haven’t noticed, Poppa H has been having some issues lately with “discipline” and “self control” so your favorite film filter is doing the adult thing this week by grabbing some down time in an undisclosed celebrity boot camp with my court appointed mentor Dr. Phil. 

The fetal position never felt so good but this place could really use a few throw pillows. I mean, it’s cozy, if you’re Hannibal Lecter,* they don’t even have room service. I so want to check into the Four Seasons right now, unfortunately, Dr. Phil’s already got me strapped to this steel gurney. Sweet. I guess all the ranting and my trademark Ron Burgundy curdled milk beard makes me look crazy right about now but I’m totally not, it’s just a shtick! I’m an actor. Somebody help. Mommy.

Go ahead and laugh but I must say, Dr. Phil really knows how to swab a temple with alcohol; that circular Q-Tip-ping motion actually calms a fellow down. Do it again, Doc. This place is finally starting to feel like a day spa, and this sure beats living in a van down by the river with my crock-pot and American flag collection. Wait, why are you warming up those electric paddles?  Doc no! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzit!

Shock It to Me Dr. Phil

Midnight Cowboy; courtesy of United Artists

That was gnarly. More please! Zzzzzzzzzit!  Okay, okay, that’s enough. I’m cool, 1.21 gigawatts of electric moonshine will do for now, but is my beard supposed to smell like a burning Ewok carcass? Yes?? This place is straight up Cuckoo’s Nest! This is the last time I order a deluxe brain colonic off the Internet. Who am I? Who the hell are all you people? It appears my frontal lobe has taken a seismic hit so you’re going to have to rely on Mongo the slobbering nimrod in the next bed for today’s post. I know I’m good but this guy knows how to type with his toes. Take it away Mongo …

April, the Smelliest Movie Month

Speaking of lobotomies, that’s exactly what a film nerd needs if you’re going to subject yourself to any of the new release steamers coming out this month. While the studios ramp up for summer blockbuster season, you should know the average April moviegoer has a 98 percent chance of paying $12 to be wrapped for two hours in a celluloid blanket loaded with virulent smallpox. If you’re dying for a movie hit, MRF suggests you zig when the world zags and check out a film festival at the Castro Theater that’s celebrating 90 years of quality filmmaking from one of the first independent production houses—United Artists.

Studio System, You Got Served

The Graduate; courtesy of United Artists

Founded in 1919 by four Hollywood legends, Charlie Chaplin, D.W. Griffith, Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks, United Artists was the first mini-major to make pictures free from the constraints of the rigid studio system.  When UA hit the ground running, Richard Rowland, the former head of Metro Pictures said, “the inmates are taking over the asylum.” Indeed dead movie mogul, UA is now owned by a crazy space alien, the certifiably wacko Tom Cruise.

With a proud history of psychotics at the helm, UA still managed to produce some of my favorite movies of all time from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Midnight Cowboy and The Graduate to The Pink Panther, Being There and all the early Bond pictures. If you ask this nut, why waste your money on new trash when you can soak up some cinematic gold? If you aren’t completely brain dead, get your ass down to the Castro to pay your respects to movies made (by nuts) the right way. 

As for me, I hate to be a pig but I think I’m into thirds on the shock treatment. I need to get the doc to send me some of those shock paddles for the van.  Zzzzzzzzit! Till next time, stay fried America, be bad and get into trouble baby…*


Some Like it Hot; courtesy of United Artists

UA Film Festival Picks To Click (Castro)
•    Annie Hall (1977) – Dir. Allen (4/3)
•    The Manchurian Candidate (1962) – Dir. Frankenheimer (4/10)
•    Network (1976) – Dir. Lumet (4/13)
•    The Great Escape (1963) – Dir. Sturges (4/15)
•    Kiss Me Deadly(1955) – Dir. Aldrich (4/22)
•    The Killing (1956) – Dir. Kubrick (4/22)
•    Sweet Smell of Success (1957) – Dir. Mackendrick (4/29)
•    The Hospital(1971) – Dir. Hiller (4/29)
•    Some Like It Hot (1959) – Dir. Wilder (5/3)

Volume 58 Footnotes
•    “Greetings and salutations.” – Heathers (1991): Christian Slater doing his best Nicholson impersonation to a monacle-lovin’ Winona Ryder. 
•    “We’re talking paranoid, delusional psychosis.  I saw his room.  It’s cozy, if you’re Hannibal Lecter!” – Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1991): Jim Carrey flips tracking down a cross-dressing, field goal missing, dolphin thief.
•    “Let’s get into trouble baby.” – Tapeheads (1988): Soul Train host Don Cornelius (as Hollywood Producer Mo Fuzz) breaks it down to upstart filmmakers Tim Robbins and John Cusack