I’ve been living with my boyfriend for four months. While cleaning, I found a stash of porn DVDs. Instead of freaking out, I calmly suggested we watch a few together. The first DVD starred a very curvy African-American woman. The longer I watched, the more awful I felt—I’m a blonde and very petite. I kind of lost it, which led to a painful fight. I asked my BF repeatedly if I’m the type of woman he’s attracted to. He said I was beautiful, he desired me, and this is just fantasy. Still, I can’t seem to get over this.

He Said: You both made some minor mistakes. Unless his entire collection of porn features women who look nothing like you (in which case you may have a valid concern), he made a rookie error by not selecting a movie that showcased your physical type. If he has any more sense than god gave a doughnut, he should already be shopping for DVDs starring petite blondes and swapping out his old ones that don’t.

Secondly, you don’t sound like you’ve watched much porn. Word to the wise: The first time may not be a good indicator of future enjoyment. If this is something you think you might like, grab your boyfriend by his remote control, and head to Good Vibrations. The staff there is very comfortable with newbies and can help you find something that suits your shared appetite. If you find you’d rather spice up your sex life with a few toys or games, the store’s website has a schedule of events and workshops that might be fun. For the record, the porn a guy watches is kind of like any movie or TV show—it often has little to do with his real life or the type of woman he prefers.

She Said: Porn is fantasy, and there’s just no accounting for human fantasies. What turns someone on (or off) is a mystery and has little to do with real life. Still, it’s not easy knowing that your physical opposite gets your guy off. I do not recommend you watch any more DVDs that feature women who vary too much from your type. The porn industry is built on petite blondes (with boob jobs), so you shouldn’t have a problem there.

Secondly, ask yourself if you really do want to watch porn with your boyfriend. Your initial response may have been a knee-jerk reaction to keep you from “freaking out.” Remember, you don’t have to watch porn if you’re not into it. Rather, you could focus your energies on your actual sex life, which is always more important to a healthy man than anything in the DVD player.

Lastly, take a closer look at your own fantasies. In your heart of hearts, what really turns you on? If you let yourself explore, you may find you have many fantasies that stray beyond your normal life. If you can share any of those with your boyfriend (while being sensitive to him), then do. But keep the rest to yourself as assurance that fantasy doth not reality make.

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