I’m a gay man who loves porn of all kinds. I even watch straight porn, mostly because of the guys, but I also think that women can be pretty hot. So here's my question. I don’t mind all the sounds women make in straight porn, but when I’m watching gay porn, it bugs me that the bottoms sound exactly the same. Basically, they squeal like girls. Why does this turn me off so much? Am I internalizing my homophobia or something? I’ve looked high and low for gay porn where the bottom actually sounds like a man, without much success.

She Said: I have a feeling you might be a top, because if you were a bottom I think you’d know the answer to your question. Basically, having someone repeatedly push their overly large penis into one of your body cavities the way they do in porn—that is to say, very hard and very fast—almost involuntarily causes one to squeal. I can’t quite conjure an appropriate workaday metaphor; it’s definitely less painful and more pleasurable than someone stepping on your toe over and over, but there’s a similar sense of physical impact and release. Like many animals on the receiving end of aggression, you’re more likely to yelp in a higher octave than growl or groan in a lower one. Why don’t you like this sound? Heck, I don’t know. I can’t stand the sound of people chewing, but it’s not because I’ve internalized a food phobia. Maybe just try turning the volume down.

He Said: Let's start by tackling your sexist implication that there's something wrong with "squealing like a girl." That sounds a lot like complaining that a boy "throws like a girl," a kind of commonplace combination of sexism and homophobia that's surprising to hear from a gay man. It also plays into the false stereotype that bottoms are somehow taking on the "female" role and inherently prettier and more feminine.

As far as porn goes, you are certainly welcome to own your preferences, sexist or not. No one can argue with your taste. Since there is more porn produced today than at any time in history, you can simply steer clear of scenes that turn you off for whatever reason. In fact, you might even seek out videos from directors that feature "butch" bottoms (no, it's not an oxymoron). I recommend checking out the films of Sage Daniels, a tattooed San Franciscan who plays both top and bottom roles with "masculine" aplomb.

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