By: The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,
I am a gay woman who often falls for straight women. I am not stupid enough to date them anymore, but I’m way more attracted to them. My friends and articles I have read have had all kinds of theories—that I am subconsciously afraid of intimacy, that I am suffering from internalized homophobia so unconsciously don’t like gay people, that I don’t want to be happy, and so on. The thing is, I have been out and proud for nearly twenty years now and I have worked through my “issues.” I don’t think I am doing anything subconsciously and feel very healthy and ready for love. I think it happens because I grew up in the South and was only around straight women my whole life. What do you guys think? Does my attraction to straight women have to be pathology? Also, how do I make it stop? CW—Richmond, VA

  The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox

First up, let me remind you that you cannot control whom you’re attracted to, so don’t even try it. Gay, straight, red, blue, whatever the case may be, when our emotions take over, we cannot always be in front of them no matter how hard we try. And Lord knows we’ve all tried. That said, we should make more intelligent choices and learn from our mistakes. I’ve had a few crushes on straight men in my day. I’d think maybe, just maybe, they’d be curious enough to try life on the other side of the fence and we’d make things work. Then I realized that not only would that likely never happen since I’m packing the wrong equipment, but also that the straight baggage they would bring along with them might weigh down my hopes of a healthy gay relationship.

Look, it’s fine to have crushes. It becomes harmful when it becomes self-sabotage. Realize the difference between the two and think about where you are at this point in your pursuit of happiness. To continue to have these sorts of crushes is like putting a band-aid on a wound requiring stitches: not effective.

Check back tomorrow for the straight man’s perspective by Chris Kennedy.

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